Remodel! (update 1)

Baby name uploading is continuing smoothly – it’s more time consuming because I have to write headlines for all the original BNaBBT posts (but, you know, new material!)

Comments are now OPEN everywhere!

Thanks, Diana

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Everything’s Bigger in Texas

From the Houston Press:

Every now and then, Hair Balls reports the oddest, funniest, and most puzzling names we come across in Harris County official records — usually but not always the crime reports.

As always, a couple of disclaimers are in order. Not all, indeed not necessarily any, of these people were convicted of a crime. Additionally, the crimes they are accused of — those that have been accused, that is — are in some cases as minor as driving on a suspended license or possession of small amounts of pot.

And so, without further ado:

Patronne Dextrexxe Brooks: Puts us in mind of both tequila and porn.

Pearlie Mae Cobbins: Now this is just a classic — if I still had my 1976 Caddy Coupe de Ville, this would be her name.

Anal Exceus: Oy.

Tito Kunta Hunt: Someone like both Roots and Yugoslavian strongmen, but the resulting name comes across as naughty.

Whithworth Treasure: Sounds like the leading man in a romance novel written by a sixth grader.

Willie Nelson de Ochoa: Only in Texas.

Shi’tia Alford: Might as well have alerted CPS the day they put this on the birth certificate. That name is child abuse, pure and simple.

Heavenleigh Flores: Not super classy, but I kind of like it.

Dacodunn Ahito Dante Antoine: Wow. Read it out loud. It sounds like some awesome foreign language. Fun name.

Stylz Montavian Murry: I got stylz, baby, Montavian stylzzzzzz

Aristotle Onassis Harris: Who knew some Houston mom would find a Greek shipping magnate so inspiring?

Chastity Spotts: I learned about those in health class.

Charmin Crew: No squares in stall two. Send in the Charmin Crew.

Petrono Tum Pu: Sounds like stomach medicine you’d find in Indonesia.

Joey Perfecto: Sounds like someone Eugene Levy would have played on SCTV.

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Prince CalTech

There’s a kid in my class at school whose name is Harvmit, aka Harvard-MIT. Guess what his parents wanted his college options to be? Too bad he became a rebel, slacked off in school and has no hope of going to either place. Serves his parents right, I guess, but too bad for him.

-E.

Web searches for ‘Harvmit’ turn up (perhaps) another guy named Harvmit, who appears to be a teenager. So maybe there’s hope for a Harvmit after all.

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American Idyll ’10

American Idol is back, and they’ve brought bad names with them as usual.

First night: Boston.

Surprisingly few bad names. Just one, really: Mere. Pronounced “Mary.” She’s an anime otaku, and that’s the least of her problems.

On the plus side, there’s a 16-year-old girl who knows “Hallelujah” is by Leonard Cohen. On a show that has had people say they were singing, “‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’ by Beyonce,” that’s a damn miracle.

Second night: Atlanta.

Dewone– Does a squeaky falsetto and froggy low voice on a song he wrote. It was NO “I am Your Brother,” I tell you that much.

Keia– “KEY-ah” Mary J. Blige reads off that she was “Miss Congealiality” somewhere. Her fluorescent yellow pants made my head congeal, despite her being able to sing.

Lathan – sounds like he’s being shaken by an invisible pain mixer.

Hansel Enriquez – I’m very curious where that combination came from. Sadly for him, hand gestures so not equal singing.

Mallorie – From South Dakota, but with carefully tousselled O.C. hair.

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He’s Always Been Trouble

Sometimes urban legends come true:

Murder Trial Begins
By Dewayne Patterson
The Daily Sentinel (Ala.)

Jury selection began Monday in the capital murder trial of a Bridgeport man accused of killing two people in 2006.

Braxton Lynn Hicks has remained in the Jackson County Jail since being charged in the October 2006 deaths of Benny Cameron, 73, and Mary Ann Allison, 71.

Cameron and Allison were found dead in the Alabama Barbershop on Seventh Street in downtown Bridgeport, where they had an apartment in the back.

When the couple was found, they appeared to have been dead for several days, according to reports.

Autopsy reports showed they both died from blunt force trauma to the head. Investigators have said robbery was the apparent motive in the slayings. Hicks was indicted by a grand jury in December 2006 for capital murder. Jury selection is expected to last most of the week, with opening statements possible by Friday.

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Peep Jousting Thunderdome

The first rule of peep jousting is you do not talk about peep jousting. The second rule of peep jousting is that joke’s kinda obvious. The rules are simple – two peeps, two toothpicks, and one microwave. Whoever pokes the other first wins. Then both are eaten. By wolves. Just like Catholic tradition demands during Easter. The crowd goes wild as the competitors enter the arena. The purple and yellow teams and their coaches have been preparing for years to reach this level of competition.

Please stand for the national anthem.

Round 1: Plessy vs. Ferguson

We who are about to die salute you.

We set the microwave for two minutes on high. The battle takes off immediately as Ferguson (yellow team) swells to disgusting proportions in a matter of seconds. Plessy is cautious.

Ferguson begins the traditional peep dominance display.

 Plessy draws his opponent out with a feint and goes in low for the kill. 10-love purple team.

Plessy’s skin cracks with fury. Ferguson is visibly intimidated.

Defeated, Ferguson deflates with shame.

 

Losers are mushy.

The broken bodies of these noble warriors are taken to a better place. They go down chewy.

Round 2: Brown vs. Board of Education

The athletes raise their lances toward the heavens, to which they both may soon be dispatched.

Competition is fierce. Board of Education opens his maw in what can only be described as a cry of tribute to his warrior gods.

Their weapons glancing off each others’ hard armor, Brown at last is victorious. 20-love, purple team.

Second stringers are brought in as a sop to the heavy losses on both sides.

Round 3: Alien vs. Predator

Two of the amateur-leaguers take their place among the spilled gore of their heroes. Their fear is palpable.

They fall on their swords.

Their families die of shame. Their corpses are left to swell in the midday sun.

The sacred arena is getting pretty gross by now. It’s time for the headliner match.

The Main Event: Ninja vs. Pirate

We’re coming into the home stretch in the Kitchen Arena, and the crowd is going wild. Cheers are mixed with wailing and gnashing of teeth as the crowd stares transfixed at a horror they did not anticipate. It’s time to bring this to an end. Which team will be victorious as its champions face off?

“Arr! Yaarrr! Booty and grog, me hearties!'”
“…”

The noble combatants steel their jaws at manly angles. All is silent. Then they start rolling around on the ground, randomly waving their swords at each other. It’s pathetic.

Ninja and Pirate blubber as they try to see who can apologize the most.

Pirate is a broken man. Ninja is so ashamed, his ancestors die.

That bloodiest of sports, Peep Jousting Thunderdome is closed for another year. It sits silent, waiting to claim the hopes and lives of another young peep generation.

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The TV Bit-Players of Tomorrow!

Obviously, since they’d wasted so much time on the opening number, the Oscar 1988 producers were going to keep the rest of the show lean and mean, right? Hell no! Who wants to find out the winners when we can spend 12 long minutes on the up-and-comers of today vainly trying to sing and dance?

Two Hollywood legends tell us we’ll be seeing a lot of these faces, but how right were they?

Bob Hope    Age (in ’89): 85
Then: Seriously?
Since: A couple more TV specials. Passed away in 2003, age 100.

Lucille Ball Age (in ’89): 77
Then: Seriously?!
Since:This was her last public appearance. She died less than a month later, April 26, 1989

Blair Underwood    Age (in ’89): 24
Famous Parents: none
Then: “LA Law”
Since: Pretty consistent TV work, including “Sex and the City” and “In Treatment.”
Awards: none (2 Golden Globe nominations)

Holly Robinson    Age (in ’89): 24
Famous Parents: Gordon from “Sesame Street”!
Then: “21 Jump Street”
Since: Author of a girl’s guide to football (Her husband is former NFL QB Rodney Peete). Just popped up in a commercial for celebrating black women as part of African American History Month. So she wants us to celebrate herself.
Awards: none

Joely Fisher   Age (in ’89): 21
Famous Parents: Eddie Fisher & Connie Stevens
Then: Bob Hope’s USO special from the previous year. Not much else besides her mom’s Vegas show.
Since: Small TV parts, finally got to be a series regular on “Ellen”. Now the wife on “‘Til Death.”
Awards: none (1 Golden Globe nod, Miss Golden Globe 1992)

Keith Coogan    Age (in ’89): 19
Famous Parents: Grandson of Jackie Coogan
Then: More well-known as a young child on “The Waltons.” Had decent hit the year before with “Adventures in Babysitting.”
Since: Small parts in a few movies into the early ’90s, then rare TV work. According to his Wikipedia page, which he totally wrote himself, he then bummed around South America and Alaska, where he met Werner Herzog. They may do a project together.
Awards: none

Patrick O’Neal    Age (in ’89): 21
Famous Parents: Ryan O’Neal
Then: The name seems to be a misprint onscreen – Patrick O’Neal didn’t have a son named Patrick O’Neal Jr. But RYAN O’Neal has a son Patrick the same age who went into acting, so let’s assume it’s him. Anyway, in 1988, he’d done….nothing.
Since: Some small parts in “Die Hard 2” and “Wild Hogs.” Full-time broadcaster for Fox Sports Net in LA, covering local games.
Awards: none

Tyrone Power Jr.    Age (in ’89): 30
Famous Parents: Tyrone Power
Then: One of the aliens in “Cocoon.”
Since: Despite looking A LOT like his handsome father, very little. Some direct to video, some small parts overseas.
Awards: none
Carrie Hamilton    Age (in ’89): 25
Famous Parents: Carol Burnett
Then: Two seasons on “Fame”
Since: First touring company of “Rent.” Some episodes of various TV shows, often with her mother. Despite a long battle with addiction, it was cancer that got her – She died in 2002. A theater at the Pasadena Playhouse is named after her (mom’s on the board.)
Awards: none

Ricki Lake    Age (in ’89): 20
Famous Parents: none
Then: “Hairspray”
Since: Smaller parts in film, reoccurring TV roles until the early ’90s, when she lost over 100 pounds and landed her eponymous TV show. The show ran until 2004, and since then, it’s been some TV hosting gigs and Lifetime movies.
Awards: none (1 Daytime Emmy nom, 1 Independent Spirit Award nom.)

Tricia Leigh Fisher    Age (in ’89): 21
Famous Parents: Eddie Fisher & Connie Stevens
Then: A handful of bit TV parts, mom’s Vegas show
Since: Popping up on whatever show her sister’s a regular on.
Awards: none

Corey Feldman    Age (in ’89): 17
Famous Parents: none
Then: It was the Golden Age of The Coreys – he had racked up quality child parts in “The Goonies” and “Stand By Me,” and successfully moved into more teenaged fare like “The Lost Boys.”
Since: Where to start? A year later, it was pretty much over. As you can see from the video, he’s just in his Michael Jackson apprentice phase, and, not surprisingly, was on a lot of drugs. There were more drugs, then reality shows.
Awards: none

Patrick Dempsey    Age (in ’89): 23
Famous Parents: none
Then: “Can’t Buy Me Love.” The previous year, he married Corey Parker’s mom, who was 48 at the time.
Since: He’s on some doctor show, playing Dr. O’Kissable or something.
Awards: none (1 Emmy nom, 2 Golden Globe noms)

Corey Parker    Age (in ’89): 23
Famous Parents: Well, Patrick Dempsey was his step-dad. That counts, right?
Then: “Biloxi Blues,” some afterschool specials.
Since: Short-lived show in the early ’90s, not much since. Some acting coaching in the 2000s, moved to Memphis.
Awards: none

Chad Lowe    Age (in ’89): 21
Famous Parents: Rob Lowe’s parents
Then: Small TV roles – drag comedy “Nobody’s Perfect” was about to come out.
Since: TV guest roles, not being married to Hilary Swank anymore.
Awards: 1 Emmy for a guest spot on “Life Goes On.”

Tracy Nelson    Age (in ’89): 25
Famous Parents: Ricky Nelson
Then: “Down and Out in Beverly Hills,” just started on “Father Dowling Mysteries.”
Since: Beat Hodgkin’s, but has yet to beat a career of TV guest roles.
Awards: none

D.A. Pawley    Age (in ’89): ??
Famous Parents: Since his few credits can’t agree on how his name’s spelled, I’ll go with no.
Then: Anonymous Dirty Dancer
Since: Completely disappeared. Can’t find a single thing on him besides appearing in “Hocus Pocus” as “Fireman #1” in 1993.
Awards:?

Christian Slater    Age (in ’89): 19
Famous Parents: Dad did some time on soap operas. Mom’s a casting exec, which is handy.
Then: “Heathers.” That year. So things were on the upswing.
Since: Back and forth between good movies and bad until the late-’90s. Then more bad parts, more TV, run-ins with the law. First crack at his own show just got canceled.
Awards: none (1 Independent Spirit Award nomination)

Savion Glover    Age (in ’89): 15
Famous Parents: none
Then: Broadway debut at age 12 in “The Tap Dance Kid.”
Since: Almost all stage, but big stuff – dancing/choreographing “Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Funk.” Did motion capture dancing for “Happy Feet.” Now in a show where he taps to classical music.
Awards: 2 Tony nods, 1 win

Melora Hardin    Age (in ’89): 21
Famous Parents: Jerry Hardin – lifelong TV character actor
Then: Mid-size parts in “Iron Eagle,” “Soul Man,” played Baby on the failed Dirty Dancing TV series.
Since: Hey! It’s Jan from “The Office”!
Awards: none

Matt Lattanzi    Age (in ’89): 30
Famous Parents: none
Then: Mr. Olivia Newton-John (who’s 11 years older), some bit parts.
Since: Very little. Then they divorced in ’95. After that he’s done nothing. It’s more than a little bit of a cheat including him and Powers Jr. here, since Michelle Pfeiffer (30) and Tom Hanks (32) were both up for awards that night.
Awards:
none

Kenny Ortega, choreographer    Age (in ’89): 38
Then: Had just had hit choreographing “Dirty Dancing.”
Since: …but he really wanted to direct. So he made “Newsies.” And the “High School Musical” movies.

Marvin Hamlisch, composer    Age (in ’89): 44
Then: “Chorus Line,” “Sophie’s Choice,” “The Sting,” “Ordinary People.” He’s a busy guy.
Now: Pops conductor at 7 different symphony orchestras.

Fred Ebb, lyricist    Age (in ’89): 60
Then: You may have heard of some the musicals he wrote lyrics for: “Cabaret”? “Chicago”? “New York, New York” ring a bell?
Since: Died in 2004.

BIG FINISH!KICK LINE!

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There Will Be Coreys

Now that your eye bleach has had a nice time to soak in from the Snow White number, I figure you’re ready for the even more bewildering number from the Oscars 20 years ago.

Oscar Stars of Tomorrow!

Part 1 (optional):

Introduction with Bob Hope and Lucille Ball and 20-year-old topical humor (Steve Garvey! Dan Quayle!)

Link

Part 2 (mandatory):

19 of tomorrow’s biggest award-winning stars sing and dance for, like, 17 hours straight. Featuring two Coreys, a TV doctor, a talk show host, and an actually talented person. Plus 14 other people. Grief counselors will be available if you make it through the whole thing.

Link

Next: Where are they now?

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Hey! Who’s in the Audience!

Sure, the Rob Lowe/Snow White opening number is awful to watch on TV, but imagine having to sit through it in person! Let’s take a look at some of the brave celebrities who endured.

Jack Nicholson    Age (in ’89): 51
Then: Was on a roll. Followed up “Terms of Endearment” (for which he won an Oscar) with “Prizzi’s Honor” and “Witches of Eastwick.”
After:
Has been alternating great and “eh” films pretty solidly since then. For every “The Departed,” there’s a “Man Trouble,” for every “A Few Good Men,” there’s a “Wolf.” Still has a better career than everyone on this list.

Anjelica Huston    Age: 37
Then: Won an Oscar a few years before for “Prizzi’s Honor.”
After
: Ended her 16-year relationship with Nicholson that year after he knocked up another woman. Then she really broke out, with “Enemies, A Love Story,” “The Grifters,” and “Addams Family.” Now she’s in everything Wes Anderson does.

Michael Douglas     Age: 44
Then: Right at the end of a string of great hits, “Romancing the Stone,” “Wall Street,” and “Fatal Attraction.”
Now:
Too busy staring at Catherine Zeta-Jones and thinking, “Boy, am I one lucky bastard” to make very good movies. Mostly misses since then, with some glaring exceptions (ie. “Wonder Boys.”)

Robin Williams    Age: 37
Then: Had just finished segueing to serious films with “Dead Poets Society.”
Now: He’s got six movies slated for 2009 release. God help us all.

 

Kevin Kline     Age: 41
Then: The guy about to get a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for “A Fish Called Wanda.”
After:
A couple good movies (“Soapdish” – go rent it), a lot of bad ones, and theater. Let’s not talk about the Pink Panther remake, OK? It’s too upsetting.

Michelle Pfeiffer    Age: 30
Then: Was seriously in her golden age in ’89. She’d just done “Married to the Mob,” and “Dangerous Liaisons;” “Fabulous Baker Boys” was up next.
Now: Took some time off for her kids and got much more selective. Seems to have started to work more often.

Martin Landau    Age: 57
Then: Work horse character actor (he was in six movies in 1987, none very interesting.) Nominated that night for “Tucker: A Man and His Dream.” Appears absolutely delighted by Snow White singing at him.
After:
Scored two more nominations in the next five years, winning for “Ed Wood.” Continues to be a work horse.

Tom Hanks    Age: 32
Then: Broke several years of floundering to get an Oscar nomination for “Big.”
After: More years of floundering followed, until “A League of Their Own.” The next two years, he won Oscars. Now he’s big fancy Hollywood actor/producer/director guy.

Sigourney Weaver    Age: 39
Then: Was having the best year ever. Scored the rare feat of two Oscar noms in a single year – one for “Working Girl,” one for “Gorillas in the Mist.”
After: Didn’t win either. Is now taking supporting or ensemble roles, usually in idiosyncratic stuff. Looks better at her age than you do at yours.

Sylvia Sidney, sitting right behind her, made one more movie (“Mars Attacks”) before passing on in 1999, age 88.

Dustin Hoffman    Age: 51
Then: Had made up for “Ishtar” the previous year by making “Rain Man.”
After: Won Oscar that night. Also taking more supporting and idiosyncratic roles, but just got a bunch of attention for “Last Chance Harvey.”

Glenn Close   Age: 42
Then: One-two punch of “Dangerous Liaisons” and “Fatal Attraction.”
Now: One-two punch of “The Shield” and “Damages.”

 

Ryan O’Neal    Age: 47
Then: Career was chugging along, but he was about to take a break from acting. “Tough Guys Don’t Dance” got slammed hard the previous year.
Now: Recently sentenced to rehab after he was arrested (with his son) for meth possession.
Farrah Fawcett    
Age: 42
Then:
Had tried on to critical acclaim she got for “The Burning Bed” with middling success.
After:
Several brief TV shows, weird Letterman appearance, showing up here and there. Now battling anal cancer.

Cybill Shepherd    Age: 39
Then: Star of “Moonlighting,” which had jumped the shark a year before. Ratings were down after a long hiatus due to a Writer’s Strike, and Bruce Willis had just had a massive hit with “Die Hard.”
After: Moonlighting went off the air six episodes later (though the last one is pretty funny.) Her ’90s self-named TV show ran for three years, since then, TV movies and gig on “The L Word.”

Bob Hope
Then:
Oh, we’ll be getting to him. But that might be Norman Fell he’s sitting with. The former Mr. Roper died in 1999.

Robert Downey Jr.    Age: 23
Then: Break-out brat packer thanks to “Less Than Zero.” Sitting with girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker – you know, that girl from “Flight of the Navigator.”
After:“Chaplin,” drugs, drugs, drugs, jail, drugs, drugs, drugs, “Ally McBeal,” drugs, drugs, rehab, “Iron Man.”

Gregory Hines    Age: 43
Then:
Dancer who broke out into actor/dancer roles in “White Nights,” and “Tap.”
After:
Started choreographing and acting more, dancing less, showing up in “Waiting to Exhale” and “Will and Grace.” He passed away in 2003.

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Oscar’s Lowest Moment

 

So, you’ve watched the ’89 opening number. Good for you.You might wonder: What’s happened to these people in 20 years? Has Rob Lowe sung since? Are any of the Cocoanut Grove folks still with us? Want to know who behind the scenes is to blame for this catastrophe? Read on!

Continue reading

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