Category: Bad Baby Names

American Idyll ’12 Part 2

Aspen, CO, but actually Denver, no Aspen, really:

Finally, some crazy people with stupid names – what reality shows are all about. (Right? Er…) Mathenee over-danced to “Hey Jude” of all things.

Tealana started by making me grumble with her hipster glasses and septum piercing, which has never looked good on anyone, ever. They make you look like you’re constantly flaring your nostrils, because you sort of are.Then she moved me into annoyance when she cried about being jealous of her really boring twin sister, then back to rage when I found out her name is pronounced tah-LAY-nah, which is the opposite of every vowel in that name. She is the Los Feliz of names.

Jairon sang an original song – thankfully not one pleading to be on the show – which was so random I think it’s actually libretto from his opera about Shelby, the saddest girl in the world. The name isn’t what bothers me there as much as her saying ‘American Idol’ gave her a reason to take her bi-polar meds, which just…..oh dear.

Then my DVR decided ’30 Rock’ is way more important than these posts and ate an episode, and I don’t care, because it’s right.

In Portland, OR, there was Britnee, who asked J.Lo how she balances work, fame, and motherhood. Millions of dollars and a retinue of flunkies. Duh. They showed home movies of her little boys in the bathtub, with possibly poop around them? STFU, Parents joins in my disapproval of publicized diaper blowouts. And pretty much everything else.

And I’ll only mention Romeo, even though he’s from Liberia and I give foreign-originated names some leeway, is because after talking about Liberia, the civil war, his family, Liberia, and his Liberian family in the civil war, the only folks waiting for him outside the audition room were his huge Polynesian friends. I would rather watch a show about them.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged | 9 Comments

American Idyll ’12

There’s an incredible shortage of bad names on this season on American Idol. I can only blame this on Simon Cowell leaving, which means they let through few-to-no crazy people in the auditions because no one’s there to be mean to them. Overall, this is a good thing for the human race – not letting mentally ill or deluded people on TV – but it’s bad for comedy. And I’m not going to watch X-Factor to make up for it.

Savannah: The only really bad name we meet is Neco Starr, who we see briefly in a montage. We get to re-meet brother and sister Colton and Schyler, who both tried out last year and were both good. Individually I could almost live with those names, but together their whiteness becomes 1,000 times brighter somehow. Ashlee is one letter away from a real name, but, more importantly, history’s greatest monster is a man named Phillip Phillips Sr., because he named his poor kid Phillip Phillips Jr. He just couldn’t keep all the suffering to himself – he had to spread it around.

Pittsburgh: A run of not-great names, but none so horrible you want to punch somebody – Reed, Chase, and Hallie are not good picks for me, but are pretty much actual names. Only standouts were Creighton and Eben, which sounds like Evan right after a dentist’s appointment.)

San Diego: Jayrah is one of those doofuses who performs a song he wrote himself. God I hate that. He is also convinced Outkast speak to him directly through song titles.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged | 5 Comments

Everything’s Bigger in Texas

From the Houston Press:

Every now and then, Hair Balls reports the oddest, funniest, and most puzzling names we come across in Harris County official records — usually but not always the crime reports.

As always, a couple of disclaimers are in order. Not all, indeed not necessarily any, of these people were convicted of a crime. Additionally, the crimes they are accused of — those that have been accused, that is — are in some cases as minor as driving on a suspended license or possession of small amounts of pot.

And so, without further ado:

Patronne Dextrexxe Brooks: Puts us in mind of both tequila and porn.

Pearlie Mae Cobbins: Now this is just a classic — if I still had my 1976 Caddy Coupe de Ville, this would be her name.

Anal Exceus: Oy.

Tito Kunta Hunt: Someone like both Roots and Yugoslavian strongmen, but the resulting name comes across as naughty.

Whithworth Treasure: Sounds like the leading man in a romance novel written by a sixth grader.

Willie Nelson de Ochoa: Only in Texas.

Shi’tia Alford: Might as well have alerted CPS the day they put this on the birth certificate. That name is child abuse, pure and simple.

Heavenleigh Flores: Not super classy, but I kind of like it.

Dacodunn Ahito Dante Antoine: Wow. Read it out loud. It sounds like some awesome foreign language. Fun name.

Stylz Montavian Murry: I got stylz, baby, Montavian stylzzzzzz

Aristotle Onassis Harris: Who knew some Houston mom would find a Greek shipping magnate so inspiring?

Chastity Spotts: I learned about those in health class.

Charmin Crew: No squares in stall two. Send in the Charmin Crew.

Petrono Tum Pu: Sounds like stomach medicine you’d find in Indonesia.

Joey Perfecto: Sounds like someone Eugene Levy would have played on SCTV.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Prince CalTech

There’s a kid in my class at school whose name is Harvmit, aka Harvard-MIT. Guess what his parents wanted his college options to be? Too bad he became a rebel, slacked off in school and has no hope of going to either place. Serves his parents right, I guess, but too bad for him.


Web searches for ‘Harvmit’ turn up (perhaps) another guy named Harvmit, who appears to be a teenager. So maybe there’s hope for a Harvmit after all.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged | 1 Comment

American Idyll ’10

American Idol is back, and they’ve brought bad names with them as usual.

First night: Boston.

Surprisingly few bad names. Just one, really: Mere. Pronounced “Mary.” She’s an anime otaku, and that’s the least of her problems.

On the plus side, there’s a 16-year-old girl who knows “Hallelujah” is by Leonard Cohen. On a show that has had people say they were singing, “‘Swing Low Sweet Chariot’ by Beyonce,” that’s a damn miracle.

Second night: Atlanta.

Dewone– Does a squeaky falsetto and froggy low voice on a song he wrote. It was NO “I am Your Brother,” I tell you that much.

Keia– “KEY-ah” Mary J. Blige reads off that she was “Miss Congealiality” somewhere. Her fluorescent yellow pants made my head congeal, despite her being able to sing.

Lathan – sounds like he’s being shaken by an invisible pain mixer.

Hansel Enriquez – I’m very curious where that combination came from. Sadly for him, hand gestures so not equal singing.

Mallorie – From South Dakota, but with carefully tousselled O.C. hair.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged , | 2 Comments

He’s Always Been Trouble

Sometimes urban legends come true:

Murder Trial Begins
By Dewayne Patterson
The Daily Sentinel (Ala.)

Jury selection began Monday in the capital murder trial of a Bridgeport man accused of killing two people in 2006.

Braxton Lynn Hicks has remained in the Jackson County Jail since being charged in the October 2006 deaths of Benny Cameron, 73, and Mary Ann Allison, 71.

Cameron and Allison were found dead in the Alabama Barbershop on Seventh Street in downtown Bridgeport, where they had an apartment in the back.

When the couple was found, they appeared to have been dead for several days, according to reports.

Autopsy reports showed they both died from blunt force trauma to the head. Investigators have said robbery was the apparent motive in the slayings. Hicks was indicted by a grand jury in December 2006 for capital murder. Jury selection is expected to last most of the week, with opening statements possible by Friday.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

i dont no wat to thnik cuz im ded

I get e-mails asking for naming help all the time, and I’m usually obliging, but every now and then….well, see below.

I’m due my first kid aug 13. i am thinkin of names. i like unseual names and differnt spellings of names.

for girls dh and i like:

tallulah lilac
meleah lynn
jayden haven
madison macenyzie
ashlynn charlize
tiffany clea
alisha beyonce
solange kesleigh
gracelyn jordyn

for boys dh and i like:
kendal jae
dayne killigan
kylar reese
fynn tyler
wayne jaymes
brooklyn romeo
jaysen elijah

can u please give opinions on the names? thx in advance


I’m still not sure if she didn’t read the site, couldn’t read the site, or is screwing with me.

If the latter, Bravo. You did an incredible job of impersonating an under-educated tryndee namer who I assume every awful thing I possible can about them, up to and including caring about Kardashians, collecting cat figurines, and giving Sarah Palin money. You cut me off on the freeway, let your dog crap in my yard, and get in the express lane with 15 items, then pay with a check. You forward emails about Nordstrom’s recipes, proof of angels, and sparkly Tweety Bird gifs. You invented laugh tracks. Your favorite movie is Transformers 2. You hold your purse tighter when you see black people. Your car alarm goes off at 4 am every day. You ate three slices of pizza before making sure everyone else had had one. You’re why the bus smells like pee.

I hate you.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged | 3 Comments

Dumb Names = Life of Crime

From the Calgary Herald:
For Pete’s sake: a name means something when it comes to crime

Cheryl Chan, Canwest News Service

VANCOUVER – What’s in a name? Possibly a life of crime.

An unpopular name – like Alec, Ernest, Ivan, or Malcolm – is more likely to spell trouble than favourites Michael, Matthew or Christopher, according to research presented Saturday at the Congress of the Humanities and Social Sciences at the University of B.C.

“There is a positive correlation between unpopular first names and juvenile delinquency,” said Daniel Lee, an economics professor at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania.

His study, the first to examine the link between names and crime, compiled the first names of all males born between 1987 and 1991 in a large unnamed American state, and calculated a Popularity Name Index, or PNI, for each of the 15,021 unique names.

Michael, the most popular name, had a PNI of 100 while David, a name given half as frequently, had a 50 PNI.

The study then compared the names and their popularity ratings to the first names of male youth in the juvenile justice system from 1997 to 2005.

Using regression models, Lee and co-author David Kalist found that regardless of race, the more unique, rare and unpopular the name is, the more likely it popped up in youth crime files 10 to 18 years later.

While half of the names in the state population have a PNI of 20 or more, half the names of the juvenile population have a PNI greater than 11.

Lee calculated that for every 10 per cent increase in the popularity of a name, there is an associated 3.7 per cent decrease in the number of troublemaking kids with that name.

However, research also showed that the PNI of a juvenile’s name is also associated with other factors, such as socio-economic conditions and family structure.

“The PNI is positively associated when the kid is living with both parents and negatively associated when living only with the mother,” said Lee, adding that juveniles with more unpopular names also tended to live in the state’s more disadvantaged counties.

The findings indicate that while the popularity of a juvenile’s name has a correlation with crime, it doesn’t necessarily cause the crime, said Lee.

“We’re arguing it’s not the name per se, that causes the juvenile to behave badly, but it’s the family background,” he said.

So, for parents who are already stressed out trying to find the perfect name for their kid, Lee has a word of advice: “It’s all right to give unique names to your children, but make sure you become a good parent.”

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Not. One. Period. There.

my little sisters name is Mckenna, and to answer your question we got it from the nurse after she was born, she was trying to pronouce mc-caun-a like jacauna the tomato and beef dish, and Mckenna was said instead, i love the name and it is soo much better than what my mother was going to name her Truana, eww, well anyways the name fits her very well and is also very unique, my name is Tiffany and i cant sand it when i am in the mall and someone is yelling my name but isnt speaking to me, McKenna will never have that problem.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged | 5 Comments

It’s Catchier Than ‘Now Comes the Plaintiff…’

1. Galaxy Craze. She’s an actress and writer and went to high school with Uma Thurman. I think Galaxy’s middle name is “Isa,” but I am not sure.

2. Along Came Seth Jones Bullock. Yes, read it again. That’s his name. Along Came Seth Jones Bullock.

3. William Speed Weed.

Posted in Bad Baby Names | Tagged | 3 Comments