There’s an incredible shortage of bad names on this season on American Idol. I can only blame this on Simon Cowell leaving, which means they let through few-to-no crazy people in the auditions because no one’s there to be mean to them. Overall, this is a good thing for the human race – not letting mentally ill or deluded people on TV – but it’s bad for comedy. And I’m not going to watch X-Factor to make up for it.

Savannah: The only really bad name we meet is Neco Starr, who we see briefly in a montage. We get to re-meet brother and sister Colton and Schyler, who both tried out last year and were both good. Individually I could almost live with those names, but together their whiteness becomes 1,000 times brighter somehow. Ashlee is one letter away from a real name, but, more importantly, history’s greatest monster is a man named Phillip Phillips Sr., because he named his poor kid Phillip Phillips Jr. He just couldn’t keep all the suffering to himself – he had to spread it around.

Pittsburgh: A run of not-great names, but none so horrible you want to punch somebody – Reed, Chase, and Hallie are not good picks for me, but are pretty much actual names. Only standouts were Creighton and Eben, which sounds like Evan right after a dentist’s appointment.)

San Diego: Jayrah is one of those doofuses who performs a song he wrote himself. God I hate that. He is also convinced Outkast speak to him directly through song titles.