Peep Jousting Thunderdome

The first rule of peep jousting is you do not talk about peep jousting. The second rule of peep jousting is that joke’s kinda obvious. The rules are simple – two peeps, two toothpicks, and one microwave. Whoever pokes the other first wins. Then both are eaten. By wolves. Just like Catholic tradition demands during Easter. The crowd goes wild as the competitors enter the arena. The purple and yellow teams and their coaches have been preparing for years to reach this level of competition.

Please stand for the national anthem.

Round 1: Plessy vs. Ferguson

We who are about to die salute you.

We set the microwave for two minutes on high. The battle takes off immediately as Ferguson (yellow team) swells to disgusting proportions in a matter of seconds. Plessy is cautious.

Ferguson begins the traditional peep dominance display.

 Plessy draws his opponent out with a feint and goes in low for the kill. 10-love purple team.

Plessy’s skin cracks with fury. Ferguson is visibly intimidated.

Defeated, Ferguson deflates with shame.

 

Losers are mushy.

The broken bodies of these noble warriors are taken to a better place. They go down chewy.

Round 2: Brown vs. Board of Education

The athletes raise their lances toward the heavens, to which they both may soon be dispatched.

Competition is fierce. Board of Education opens his maw in what can only be described as a cry of tribute to his warrior gods.

Their weapons glancing off each others’ hard armor, Brown at last is victorious. 20-love, purple team.

Second stringers are brought in as a sop to the heavy losses on both sides.

Round 3: Alien vs. Predator

Two of the amateur-leaguers take their place among the spilled gore of their heroes. Their fear is palpable.

They fall on their swords.

Their families die of shame. Their corpses are left to swell in the midday sun.

The sacred arena is getting pretty gross by now. It’s time for the headliner match.

The Main Event: Ninja vs. Pirate

We’re coming into the home stretch in the Kitchen Arena, and the crowd is going wild. Cheers are mixed with wailing and gnashing of teeth as the crowd stares transfixed at a horror they did not anticipate. It’s time to bring this to an end. Which team will be victorious as its champions face off?

“Arr! Yaarrr! Booty and grog, me hearties!'”
“…”

The noble combatants steel their jaws at manly angles. All is silent. Then they start rolling around on the ground, randomly waving their swords at each other. It’s pathetic.

Ninja and Pirate blubber as they try to see who can apologize the most.

Pirate is a broken man. Ninja is so ashamed, his ancestors die.

That bloodiest of sports, Peep Jousting Thunderdome is closed for another year. It sits silent, waiting to claim the hopes and lives of another young peep generation.

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i dont no wat to thnik cuz im ded

I get e-mails asking for naming help all the time, and I’m usually obliging, but every now and then….well, see below.

I’m due my first kid aug 13. i am thinkin of names. i like unseual names and differnt spellings of names.

for girls dh and i like:

tallulah lilac
meleah lynn
jayden haven
madison macenyzie
ashlynn charlize
tiffany clea
alisha beyonce
solange kesleigh
gracelyn jordyn

for boys dh and i like:
kendal jae
dayne killigan
kylar reese
fynn tyler
wayne jaymes
brooklyn romeo
jaysen elijah

can u please give opinions on the names? thx in advance

-A

I’m still not sure if she didn’t read the site, couldn’t read the site, or is screwing with me.

If the latter, Bravo. You did an incredible job of impersonating an under-educated tryndee namer who I assume every awful thing I possible can about them, up to and including caring about Kardashians, collecting cat figurines, and giving Sarah Palin money. You cut me off on the freeway, let your dog crap in my yard, and get in the express lane with 15 items, then pay with a check. You forward emails about Nordstrom’s recipes, proof of angels, and sparkly Tweety Bird gifs. You invented laugh tracks. Your favorite movie is Transformers 2. You hold your purse tighter when you see black people. Your car alarm goes off at 4 am every day. You ate three slices of pizza before making sure everyone else had had one. You’re why the bus smells like pee.


I hate you.

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Dumb Names = Life of Crime

From the Calgary Herald:
For Pete’s sake: a name means something when it comes to crime

Cheryl Chan, Canwest News Service

VANCOUVER – What’s in a name? Possibly a life of crime.

An unpopular name – like Alec, Ernest, Ivan, or Malcolm – is more likely to spell trouble than favourites Michael, Matthew or Christopher, according to research presented Saturday at the Congress of the Humanities and Social Sciences at the University of B.C.

“There is a positive correlation between unpopular first names and juvenile delinquency,” said Daniel Lee, an economics professor at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania.

His study, the first to examine the link between names and crime, compiled the first names of all males born between 1987 and 1991 in a large unnamed American state, and calculated a Popularity Name Index, or PNI, for each of the 15,021 unique names.

Michael, the most popular name, had a PNI of 100 while David, a name given half as frequently, had a 50 PNI.

The study then compared the names and their popularity ratings to the first names of male youth in the juvenile justice system from 1997 to 2005.

Using regression models, Lee and co-author David Kalist found that regardless of race, the more unique, rare and unpopular the name is, the more likely it popped up in youth crime files 10 to 18 years later.

While half of the names in the state population have a PNI of 20 or more, half the names of the juvenile population have a PNI greater than 11.

Lee calculated that for every 10 per cent increase in the popularity of a name, there is an associated 3.7 per cent decrease in the number of troublemaking kids with that name.

However, research also showed that the PNI of a juvenile’s name is also associated with other factors, such as socio-economic conditions and family structure.

“The PNI is positively associated when the kid is living with both parents and negatively associated when living only with the mother,” said Lee, adding that juveniles with more unpopular names also tended to live in the state’s more disadvantaged counties.

The findings indicate that while the popularity of a juvenile’s name has a correlation with crime, it doesn’t necessarily cause the crime, said Lee.

“We’re arguing it’s not the name per se, that causes the juvenile to behave badly, but it’s the family background,” he said.

So, for parents who are already stressed out trying to find the perfect name for their kid, Lee has a word of advice: “It’s all right to give unique names to your children, but make sure you become a good parent.”

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Not. One. Period. There.

my little sisters name is Mckenna, and to answer your question we got it from the nurse after she was born, she was trying to pronouce mc-caun-a like jacauna the tomato and beef dish, and Mckenna was said instead, i love the name and it is soo much better than what my mother was going to name her Truana, eww, well anyways the name fits her very well and is also very unique, my name is Tiffany and i cant sand it when i am in the mall and someone is yelling my name but isnt speaking to me, McKenna will never have that problem.

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It’s Catchier Than ‘Now Comes the Plaintiff…’

1. Galaxy Craze. She’s an actress and writer and went to high school with Uma Thurman. I think Galaxy’s middle name is “Isa,” but I am not sure.

2. Along Came Seth Jones Bullock. Yes, read it again. That’s his name. Along Came Seth Jones Bullock.

3. William Speed Weed.

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With His Sidekick, SuperPlow

Ok, I’m 9 mos. pregnant with my second child and I really needed this site today! Too funny, I have e-mailed all of my pregnant girlfriends and apologized if any of their intended names are mentioned.

I know of only one really bad name. The poor guy is now 30, he is still alive. Farmer Marvel. It’s a family name, god help him. He’s always gone by Mickey, I didn’t even know his real name until we graduated from high school.

-M.

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Carrion My Wayward Son

I used to do placement for newly trained car salespersons, and the one guy I ran into with the oddest name was Carrion.

I can only hope that mothers in the future will pull out a DICTIONARY and look up the child’s name before she names him so she can be sure she’s not naming her child after rotting dead animals.

-Katie

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Ringo Does Dallas

A few years back when I was working as a paralegal, we had a client, I forget his name now, but he was fighting a child custody case, so his three children’s names were featured prominently at the top of all the court documents, which is why I remember theirs so well.

Their names were Harley Jonn, Stone (something fairly silly as a middle name), and Jazzmyn Starr (!)

Seriously. J-a-z-z-m-y-n S-t-a-r-r. I mean, the normal spelling would be bad enough, in a “I named my kid after a Disney character” kind of way, but two “z”‘s, the dreaded “y” and the double “r”‘s?

She was the youngest child, and I can only assume she was born *after* her father had the motorcycle accident while *not* wearing his helmet…

I forsee a wonderful career in the adult film industry for young Jazzmyn… Or possibly something
basketball-related.

-Aaron

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Look Away! Look Away!

Had to share this one with you – I went to high school in the late 80s with a kid named Delando Cotton. I have always wondered just what would possess African-American parents to name their son Delando Cotton. So I came up with a couple of theories:

(1) His parents moved here to the Northwest from the South before he was born. In a fit of home-sickness, they gave their newborn son a name that calls to mind their Southern roots, but didn’t realize until too late that it *also* calls to mind the first line of the Confederate battle hymn,
“Dixie.”

(2) His parents just have a really warped sense of humor …

He was a year ahead of me in school, and I didn’t know him well enough to ask how or why his folks gave him the name they did. I’ll probably always wonder…

– S.

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Chasing Tweety Bird on a Scooter

DALLAS (AP) — A convenience store owner in one of Dallas’ poorest neighborhoods was amazed when she started seeing children from the elementary school across the street buying candy and chips with $100 bills. …

It turned out that a youngster had apparently found tens of thousands of dollars in suspected drug money and was handing it out to others.

Soon, though, some men came looking for the money, spreading fear through the South Dallas neighborhood. …

On Thursday night, a man was arrested and accused of abducting and beating a 12-year-old boy who had some of the money. The boy was later returned home.

Before he was jailed on $5 million bail, the suspect, 23-year-old Sylvespa Adams, told KDFW-TV that he never threatened anyone and that the money had been stolen from him. He disputed it was drug money, as police suspect.

“I’m not no kidnapper,” he said. “I work.”

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