About the Awful

Born to luxury in 1742, Diana Goodman, the infamous “Bastard of Castille” spent much of her life as a patron of the arts and professional gadabout. Her funding of Manet and Degas was considered scandalously ahead of its time, as she funded them nearly 100 years before they were even born. Imprisoned from age 6 in her mountaintop castle Chateau Fromage du Vent for plotting against the king of Belgium, Goodman spent her early years receiving a classical education from a series of renowned tutors brought all the way from Nashville. She applied this knowledge to her new hobby: plotting against the grand-duke of Luxembourg.

An anti-Goodman political tract circa 1803.

Moving to Paris in 1763, Goodman found work as a nude model, but quit because they wouldn’t let her keep her socks on. Around this time she is believed to have penned her most famous work of poetry, the unfinished masterpiece, “Freebird.”

Not much is known of her later life. It is said she was a paramour of Napoleon’s older half-brother Ricardo, who supported her in her bid to overthrow England’s George VIII, who doesn’t even exist.

Their stunning daylight water-balloon attack on Holyrood Castle is marked every March 21 with the firing of a cannon six times off the battlements, while the Queen’s First Highland Interpretative Dance Regiment wolf-whistle and make rude hand gestures.

She was last seen during a bandit raid on Juarez, Mexico, dressed in men’s attire toting a six-shooter and a carpetbag full of gold bullion. Her fate remains one of spelunking’s great mysteries.

Either that or she’s a 32-year-old designer from San Francisco who makes pop-culture infused accessories. Wholesale and retail.

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