American Idyll ’12 Part 2

Aspen, CO, but actually Denver, no Aspen, really:

Finally, some crazy people with stupid names – what reality shows are all about. (Right? Er…) Mathenee over-danced to “Hey Jude” of all things.

Tealana started by making me grumble with her hipster glasses and septum piercing, which has never looked good on anyone, ever. They make you look like you’re constantly flaring your nostrils, because you sort of are.Then she moved me into annoyance when she cried about being jealous of her really boring twin sister, then back to rage when I found out her name is pronounced tah-LAY-nah, which is the opposite of every vowel in that name. She is the Los Feliz of names.

Jairon sang an original song – thankfully not one pleading to be on the show – which was so random I think it’s actually libretto from his opera about Shelby, the saddest girl in the world. The name isn’t what bothers me there as much as her saying ‘American Idol’ gave her a reason to take her bi-polar meds, which just…..oh dear.

Then my DVR decided ’30 Rock’ is way more important than these posts and ate an episode, and I don’t care, because it’s right.

In Portland, OR, there was Britnee, who asked J.Lo how she balances work, fame, and motherhood. Millions of dollars and a retinue of flunkies. Duh. They showed home movies of her little boys in the bathtub, with possibly poop around them? STFU, Parents joins in my disapproval of publicized diaper blowouts. And pretty much everything else.

And I’ll only mention Romeo, even though he’s from Liberia and I give foreign-originated names some leeway, is because after talking about Liberia, the civil war, his family, Liberia, and his Liberian family in the civil war, the only folks waiting for him outside the audition room were his huge Polynesian friends. I would rather watch a show about them.

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9 Responses to American Idyll ’12 Part 2

  1. Claire says:

    This comic is totally awesome. I had never previously considered a) that Pine could be used as a name, or b) the ramifications of it being a noun AND a verb. Any bets on which celebrity will snatch it up? How about a little brother for Blue Ivy – Purple Pine.

  2. Claire says:

    Wow that was off-topic as hell. Sorry! Don’t watch AI, just had to share this with someone who could appreciate it!

  3. Cathy Johnson says:

    bad baby name = Hawaiian girl where parents could not agree on her name, so they named her ABCDE ! pronounced Ab-Sa-Dee …

  4. Megan says:

    a couple of bad names I’ve seen were in a program at a high school graduation I recently attended. One girl was names My’Angel My’Joy, and another Stran’ge Champagne.

  5. SG . says:

    Looking for a good name to use on your future food stamp card? Check out Chris Rock skit for some pointers. I personally like:


    I’m sure all of these ghetto fab names have been applied to some poor soul, at some point. As far as hippy names go, I personally know a Nimbus Cummulus. That’s right, just like the rain cloud. He has brothers named Zebulon (as in the tribe of Israeland Keith. I think mom and dad sobered up by the time Keith was brought into the world.

    • Chris Toska says:

      Zebulon (Zebulun) is a biblical name, tho – sixth son of Jacob and Leah. Also, Star Trek character and Civil War general.

  6. HorridBabyNames says:

    I make fun of Jairon quite regularly on my Twitter feed (@horridbabynames) as well as massacred spellings of Brittany.

  7. K.A. says:

    The names themselves would be too recognisable to publicize, but I briefly met a set of twins (boys) who were both given the same two names. Thats is, they were called X-Y and Y-X. And they were identical twins. Can you say “shortage of imagination”?

  8. Amy says:

    From a newspaper article about a jobless family, their tax payer funded free house and brood of terribly named children:
    Kesla Blu, Parris Jordan, Mason, Peaches, Logan, Skye and Kalifornya.

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