From the Houston Press:

Every now and then, Hair Balls reports the oddest, funniest, and most puzzling names we come across in Harris County official records — usually but not always the crime reports.

As always, a couple of disclaimers are in order. Not all, indeed not necessarily any, of these people were convicted of a crime. Additionally, the crimes they are accused of — those that have been accused, that is — are in some cases as minor as driving on a suspended license or possession of small amounts of pot.

And so, without further ado:

Patronne Dextrexxe Brooks: Puts us in mind of both tequila and porn.

Pearlie Mae Cobbins: Now this is just a classic — if I still had my 1976 Caddy Coupe de Ville, this would be her name.

Anal Exceus: Oy.

Tito Kunta Hunt: Someone like both Roots and Yugoslavian strongmen, but the resulting name comes across as naughty.

Whithworth Treasure: Sounds like the leading man in a romance novel written by a sixth grader.

Willie Nelson de Ochoa: Only in Texas.

Shi’tia Alford: Might as well have alerted CPS the day they put this on the birth certificate. That name is child abuse, pure and simple.

Heavenleigh Flores: Not super classy, but I kind of like it.

Dacodunn Ahito Dante Antoine: Wow. Read it out loud. It sounds like some awesome foreign language. Fun name.

Stylz Montavian Murry: I got stylz, baby, Montavian stylzzzzzz

Aristotle Onassis Harris: Who knew some Houston mom would find a Greek shipping magnate so inspiring?

Chastity Spotts: I learned about those in health class.

Charmin Crew: No squares in stall two. Send in the Charmin Crew.

Petrono Tum Pu: Sounds like stomach medicine you’d find in Indonesia.

Joey Perfecto: Sounds like someone Eugene Levy would have played on SCTV.