Everything’s Bigger in Texas

From the Houston Press:

Every now and then, Hair Balls reports the oddest, funniest, and most puzzling names we come across in Harris County official records — usually but not always the crime reports.

As always, a couple of disclaimers are in order. Not all, indeed not necessarily any, of these people were convicted of a crime. Additionally, the crimes they are accused of — those that have been accused, that is — are in some cases as minor as driving on a suspended license or possession of small amounts of pot.

And so, without further ado:

Patronne Dextrexxe Brooks: Puts us in mind of both tequila and porn.

Pearlie Mae Cobbins: Now this is just a classic — if I still had my 1976 Caddy Coupe de Ville, this would be her name.

Anal Exceus: Oy.

Tito Kunta Hunt: Someone like both Roots and Yugoslavian strongmen, but the resulting name comes across as naughty.

Whithworth Treasure: Sounds like the leading man in a romance novel written by a sixth grader.

Willie Nelson de Ochoa: Only in Texas.

Shi’tia Alford: Might as well have alerted CPS the day they put this on the birth certificate. That name is child abuse, pure and simple.

Heavenleigh Flores: Not super classy, but I kind of like it.

Dacodunn Ahito Dante Antoine: Wow. Read it out loud. It sounds like some awesome foreign language. Fun name.

Stylz Montavian Murry: I got stylz, baby, Montavian stylzzzzzz

Aristotle Onassis Harris: Who knew some Houston mom would find a Greek shipping magnate so inspiring?

Chastity Spotts: I learned about those in health class.

Charmin Crew: No squares in stall two. Send in the Charmin Crew.

Petrono Tum Pu: Sounds like stomach medicine you’d find in Indonesia.

Joey Perfecto: Sounds like someone Eugene Levy would have played on SCTV.

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8 Responses to Everything’s Bigger in Texas

  1. Bibliophile says:

    The parents of Anal Exceus probably named him after one too many diaper blowouts. Ew

  2. Amanda-Louise says:

    I laughed so hard at the comments about the names. So glad I have a normal name even if it is too common.

  3. Cindy says:

    Dacodunn Ahito Dante Antoine – Might have a future as a priest preforming exercisims.

  4. Charles McCool says:

    There is a bank teller in my town with the name Minty Ho. Perhaps my all-time favorite name.

  5. Meg says:

    I love the baby page in the Albany Times Union. My fave: Wise Eddyclaire Badinga-Vonga, daughter of Chimelle Judiclaire Mouanda and Eddy Badinga-Vonga :)

  6. Chicky says:

    I work for a newspaper and I type the birth announcements and the honor rolls. Here are a few of my favorites:
    Fokker Kara (Kara is the surname)
    Timberland Lakota
    Hercules Apollo
    Vladarius (family calls him “Vlade”)
    Twins Rowdy Dewayne and Rocky Dakota
    Elvis Junior Hodges
    Chevelle, Camry, Corolla, Porsha, Lexus
    Felloney (pronounced like the crime)
    Wyatt Outlaw
    And the creme de la creme, told to me by the secretary at an elementary school. He had registered for kindergarten that day and the secretary HAD to tell someone, she said. Pronounced “shutheed.” Spelled “Shithead.” No lie. Swear to goodness.

  7. Willow says:

    Maybe Stylz’ parents were Teen Wolf fans and spelled it incorrectly? But even that wasn’t Stiles’ real name in the 80’s movie…it was Rupert.

  8. Susan Trosper says:

    These children live in Texas: Kingston, Coltrane and Kaia. We were betting on Natalie or Ella for the baby girl’s name. Alas, the parents must have changed musical allegiance, as we were told Kaia means Weed in Jamacia.

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