Tag Archives: letters

Horror is better when spread around. I already posted this in the forum, but here it is:

Author: chosney
Date: September 26, 2006 2:07 PM
Subject: Choosing a baby name
My wife and I are having our first baby and we are trying to think of a name Something that will portend the great thing’s that only a Chosney could. Something like Pasquale, Bush (after the pres of course), Manson, Chuck for boys name or for girls Cynthia, Butter, Angel or Cryinore.

Which names do you like?

(I assume this to be fake, but answered politely on the off chance that it was real. My head hurts now.)

-Kristen

I am a school librarian, and I’ve seen several bad names, but one THIS year is probably the worst…

Destiny Darling. I don’t know what her middle name is, but I’m afraid to look it up.

I also have a high school girl with the first name of Princess. If that’s not begging for trouble, I don’t know WHAT is. She does seem to feel a need to try and live up to that name, and looks down on all of the “commoners,” students and faculty alike.

-P

I have friends who wanted to do something different with the names of their children. * shivers *

Jason (dad)
Kylee
Logan
MacKenna
Nancy (mom)

When Nancy was pregnant with MacKenna, she was concerned that her daughter might think that the only reason they had her was to have all the letters (of the alphabet).

-C

I swear this is true. A co-worker was telling us how she and her husband had almost named their daughter (whose name I cannot remember) *Chiquita Banana.* She announced this in the lunchroom one day, and we all looked at her like she had a third eye.

– Thanking my lucky stars I was named after a purple flower (Heather)

I overheard a woman in the Post Office discussing her soon-to-be-born daughter. Planned name? Talla Dega. “You know, like the race track. ‘Cause we’re big fans!” That child is doomed to be a stripper in Alabama.

On the other hand, one of my grandmothers was named Olean, so I guess I don’t have much of an upper hand.

Kai

p.s. – feel free to make fun of my name: Kai Boczkiewicz-Perez. Birth name, not married-then-hyphenated.

These are all real names of people who went to my school.

Ivy Beach (and her sister, Sunny Beach)
Liberty Shipp (not to be confused with Leberdee, another girl at my school)
Hobbin Creech
Jupiter Creech
Rusty Staples (girl)
Cayenna
Chi (pronounced like Shy)
JoVon
Lynleah

I just know there are more of them…but I can’t find my yearbooks.

-M

Anna Ryder Richardson, one of the designers on Changing Rooms, (the British show Trading Spaces is based on), named her two baby girls Bibi Belle and Dixie Dot. It fits with Anna, as she is one of those perky small dynamic women, but I’m sure the girls will likely get teased in the future.

-Mary

My best friend recently got pregant, which wouldn’t be so bad if we weren’t both seventeen. When she told her circle of friends she’d be keeping the baby she also told us what she would be naming it. We prayed it would be a boy, because that name- Aiden- wasn’t too bad.

But irony had a sense of humor, and my friend found out that it would a girl last June. Since then myself and another of her friends have been on a mission to find her a new name that she would like but that would also cut down on the future child’s therapy bill. I came across this sight a couple days ago during my ever frenzied search and realized that while the name could be a lot worse, it also probably belonged here.

We have a week to go until she’s due and we haven’t found anything that makes the grade. So come next Wednesday the world is going to great little Gaea. Its supposed to be the name of mother earth in Greek mythology, but you try explaining that to..well, ANYONE.

Especially when you consider the father, whose gayness can be seen from space, but is unfortuanely so far deep in the closet that he doesn’t even know he’s in there yet.

There you have it. The baby’s situation isn’t the best in the world- the baby of a teenage mother and an absentee father who should be auditioning for a bit part in ‘Will and Grace’-and this name doesn’t help. God knows I love her, but I keep praying her mother-the baby’s grandmother-will have the good sense to step in and save her
grandchild.

-S.

I myself have never ventured into the dark world of baby name websites, but I worked for a few years at a neighborhood health center, and I saw bizarre names there on a daily basis. I present to you a few of my favorites:

Stallion Wong – You just KNOW he wears Coke-bottle glasses and is small for his age.

Placenta – I know that stories of “placenta” being used as a name were debunked in the Snopes article, but I did actually see this on a medical record, so somebody’s done it.

Magina – Yes, it rhymed with vagina. And, to add insult to injury, it was a boy’s name.

iMichael’s – I swear I’m not making this up, and that this is how it was spelled on the child’s medical record. I really feel for this kid, and not just because the name’s from BizarroLand; if his mother felt that she had to assert his paternity that strongly, he’s got bigger problems. This also makes me wonder if there’s any chance that the abbreviation “dh” sometimes stands for “designated husband” – given the Springerosity of these people, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least.

Herpes (at least 2 children) – Repulsed as I am by the concept of naming-by-meaning, this is one of those times when a bit of research could have come in handy. A large percentage of the health center’s clients spoke English as a second language or not at all, and as a result there were some unintentionally tragic names when the parents would hear a word and think it
sounded nice, but not know what it meant (a variant on Dakota/Lakota Syndrome). “Herpes” would have been pronounced “heir-PEZ” (to rhyme with the French label Hermes), and when said like that is actually kind of nice. Until you find out it’s an STD, and spend the rest of your life paying your child’s psychotherapy bills.

“Little Rice in Heaven” – Possibly the out-and-out weirdest one I’ve ever come across. A woman, who would now be about 40, had a name that translated into English as “Little Rice in Heaven.” This was not due to a translation accident – her parents were native speakers of the language in which she had been named – nor did it have any obvious significance either in the language generally or in the regional dialect they spoke. No one, including the woman herself, had ever heard of it before or since. It was as if I had named a baby “French Fries from Hell” or “Cole Slaw Ahoy!” (or, should I
say, “Kole Slaw Ahoy!”).

Thanks for the site, and the best laugh I’ve had in ages.

– Elena

Okay, here’s a truly awful story about my poor goddaughter and godson. My best friend decided when she was sixteen that her first daughter was going to be named Tear, as in “shed a tear for me.” All I can attribute it to is the drugs.

Anyway, when she was twenty, she found out she was pregnant, and having a girl. By then I had come on the scene. She’d decided to name the poor defenceless child Hannah (pronounced HAWN-nah with a horribly gurgled h-sound) Dani-Ella (to make sure everyone pronounced it Dahni-ella)…and here’s the truly sad part… Taeyhr, some screwed up spelling of tear to make it “unique”. Like “Tear” isn’t “unique” (read stupid and demeaning) enough. I nearly killed her.

I finally got her down to Naomi Danielle Taeyhr (alas, the stupid name was there to stay). Unfortunately, not long after this we watched Van Wilder and discovered that Naomi is I moan spelled backwards. She decided to never take my advice on a baby name again.

Thanks a lot, Van Wilder! Because of you my hometown will soon have a potential serial killer by the name of Asher Daytona Brighton {last name} wandering around just waiting for a chance to take us all out with an Uzi.

-a.