Category: Bad Baby Names

This time, I fed it 2002’s top five most popular names: Jacob, Emily, Michael, Madison, Joshua, Hannah, Matthew, Emma, Ethan, Alexis.

I got back:

Shatammietta, Kamariely, Maxis, Marheal, Kaytietity, Aleiel, Allella, Roxmmi, Achytsti, Lyime, Seema, Socob, Kaytie-Robyn, and a name I can’t believe I never thought of before: Mackison.

Reader Damian tipped me off to the World’s Scariest Name Generator:

http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/newborn/newname.html

The myriad possibilities of the site are so stupendously terrible, I’m devoting a whole week to it.

Today’s input: My favorite words- “Baby’s,” “Named,” “a,” “Bad,” “Bad,” and “Thing;” plus my favorite flower, Orchid (latin for testicle); my favorite city (Bogota, Colombia, in honor of what I must be snorting hourly); my favorite animal (sheep – ’nuff said); and my astrology sign (Cancer, it’s like Kaitlyn, but unique!).

Some of what I got back:

Iman, Crab, Dihcro, Columbia, Water, Sheep, Dab, Tashawna and….Audrey??? Plus a lot of total gibberish, like Dyaeru and Lechrtlse, and my favorite, Ranttis!

It also came up with a list of prefixes and suffixes, where I found the perfect name: Cancury

i offer 2 names for your trove.

my (relative), McClain Estee (last name). *shakes head sadly*. they call him “T” as a nickname. “Estee” is his great-grandfather’s name; McClain they made up. Poor kid. He’s 18 months old.

Also, HAND TO GOD, when i was working as an insurance underwriter, i issued a policy for a man named Contageous Phinnesse, in Tennessee. i assumed he was a drag queen, but apparently Phinnesse is a very real family name in the Tennessee area.

i hope this information doesn’t frighten you.

thanks for the laughs.
-S.

Thanks for the web site. I laughed myself silly, and here’s a name for you. My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Tramontina (I am sure she had a first name, and I hope it was nice and normal) had a daughter called Tjaden. Tjaden Tramontina. What with all the Jadens and Jaydens, Jaydinns and Jaydins on your website, I wanted to point out, it can be worse. I tried to find Tjaden on the web, but she’s not showing up. Fortunately, I have year books from elementary school that can prove her existence. I wonder if she’s changed it by now.

-B.

My name is Harper. I’m female. I’ve had 36 years of trying to explain my name, and would like to offer you parents some hindsight now. Please take it — it’s not often one can take advantage of hindsight years before it is needed. Don’t do it. Don’t name your kids Harper, unless you want them to endure an ‘Attack on Pearl Harper’ in the neighborhood pool. Year after year. Or unless you want them to inadvertently memorize the chorus to Jeannie C. Riley’s ‘Harper Valley PTA,’ because lots of clever people will sing that song to your kids, and laugh about it. Don’t do this to your kids, please.

And if you do, please don’t give them yet more last names as middle names. Trust me on this one. As I am married, I now have four last names. All ‘unique and special’ names. And I know exactly what your kids will want to do to you when they ‘grow into’ their ‘unique and special names.’ And it isn’t pretty.

Sincerely,
Harper Gantt Russell (last name)

I just saw your site and have a couple of bad baby names. First, I know this little boy whose first name is Trainer. I just think that’s wrong, but apparently its his mothers maiden name. Also, in college I knew a guy whose parents were big travellers. His name? Paris. And his sister’s? Cairo.

-B.

File under ‘Exceptions’: Mom’s maiden name is fair game for a kid’s first or especially middle name. However, two things – #1. It makes it much easier for someone to commit identity fraud, and #2. Mom’s maiden name might not work so well as a first name. I mean, if she’s a Cooper or Jackson or Simon, you’re good to go. If she’s a Watkins or Klein or Gutierrez-Ramierez – problem.

Birth announcement from Virginia. Note that the grandparents have perfectly normal names, the mother’s name takes a comparatively modest step towards chaos, and the poor young woman jumped off the deep end in naming her baby daughter. (Note also that the baby’s father is identified, but only by his first name.)

DexTina (last name) and Jermaine of Pleasant Hill announce the birth of a daughter, Dae J’Nique Shyreyl (last name), on Nov. 2, 2006, at Halifax Regional Medical Center in Roanoke Rapids…. Maternal grandparents
are Dexter and Edith J. Terry of Pleasant Hill.

Would Shyreyl be pronounced Cheryl?

Yours devotedly,
S

I am so glad I found this site.

Mr (relative) Cesare (Shez-a-rae) and wife Lisa have five children.

**disclaimer, Lisa was 19 by the time she had all five. This is just to let you know where young minds are***

Ceszanae (Shez-za-nae)
Cesare (Shez-a-rae)
Charnae (Char-nay)
Ceszaniah (Shez-za-ni-ah)
Ceszariah (Shez-za-ri-ah)

Thank goodness she is tied up. We told them that was Shez-e-nuff!

A song struck me when I saw this entry:

“I am expecting in November. We were thinking about naming our son Kason. I’ve seen this name only once before (spelled Cason). I loved it then – and then realized that it was the combination of my husband and my name (Kay & Jason). Aside from the fact that friends/realitives may think we are crazy….what do you think about the name Kason for a boy?”

“and the caissons go rolling along”

Over hill, over dale
As we hit the dusty trail,
And the Caissons go rolling along.
In and out, hear them shout,
Counter march and right about,
And the Caissons go rolling along.
Then it’s hi! hi! hee!
In the field artillery,
Shout out your numbers loud and strong,
For where e’er you go,
You will always know
That the Caissons go rolling along.

Great. Their pwecious little dropping will be a box of ammo.

-L.

I have a friend (or, somewhere between acquaintance and friend) who just had a baby. Thankfully, it was a boy. Her girl names were awful – the frontrunner was Starwynn…. (we pointed out that, when you reverse the syllables, it is awfully close to a minivan, but she stuck with it).

She named him Harrison, which (although a little strange) is at least a name. Unfortunately, though, at the last minute she let the ex-boyfriend add _two_ middle names, so now the poor child’s name is Harrison Dante Osiris (last name).

Once again, Dante at least is a name, albeit an old one. and maybe the child will grow up to be a great Italian poet. But Osiris? The Egyptian god of death and the underworld? Plus, the last name starts with an M, so the kid’s initials are H-DOM. which is creepy and reminds me again of that underworld….

-L