My name is Harper. I’m female. I’ve had 36 years of trying to explain my name, and would like to offer you parents some hindsight now. Please take it — it’s not often one can take advantage of hindsight years before it is needed. Don’t do it. Don’t name your kids Harper, unless you want them to endure an ‘Attack on Pearl Harper’ in the neighborhood pool. Year after year. Or unless you want them to inadvertently memorize the chorus to Jeannie C. Riley’s ‘Harper Valley PTA,’ because lots of clever people will sing that song to your kids, and laugh about it. Don’t do this to your kids, please.

And if you do, please don’t give them yet more last names as middle names. Trust me on this one. As I am married, I now have four last names. All ‘unique and special’ names. And I know exactly what your kids will want to do to you when they ‘grow into’ their ‘unique and special names.’ And it isn’t pretty.

Sincerely,
Harper Gantt Russell (last name)