Category: Bad Baby Names

I went to school with two girls named Brie and Airy, both of whom mocked me mercilessly.

I called them Cheese and Airhead, but only behind their backs.

-J.

From last week’s paper:

“A Mill Valley man who was arrested after a standoff at his home pleaded innocent Thursday to six felony counts, including assault with a firearm.

Kelso Park Martinis, 38, was arrested May 12 after a woman told police station that her husband had pointed a shotgun at her head.

The woman told police her husband owned numerous guns, had been drinking and had told her to kill him.”

Ah, but WHAT had he been drinking? We may never know. Perhaps it was a dry drink – shaken, not stirred – enjoyed at a tres chic oak paneled hotel piano bar in Midtown Manhattan. No, that’s just his name. So I guess it was something else.

Here are some unique names I’ve come across with in my years:

I went to (a kind of beauty) school in the 80’s with a girl named Chamonix.
I went to elementary school with a girl named Pepper.
I have a (friend or relative) named Flossie (sounds like a cow’s name)

My (friend or relative) also named her kids: Dakota Zolan, Summer Steel, and Zachary Colt. They sound like soap opera names to me.

-P.

Flipping through the dials a while back and saw “Jeopardy” game show contestant Kerry Kelly. I thought HIS name was almost as bad as a “Ryan Ryan” I knew–but then, Ryan was the Ryan family’s DOG…

-M.

This is why I fear reading the paper in June: Graduation/celebration stories. Here’s the first name of every kid mentioned in one story in yesterday’s paper, ages 8-12. I’m including the non-awful ones so you can see the percentages of good to bad to ugly for yourself.

Good:
Rebecca
Elizabeth
Kelly

Bad:
Tori
Tucker

Ugly:
Stephany
Daryn

Brain-melty:
Shaylin
Kyleigh

First of all – very funny site. Especially the Welsh names. Don’t they realise they all actually mean ‘third elf from the left in the battle of Helm’s Deep’?

Now my own story – my given name is Andrew Thomas. Nothing of note there. But my mother, for reason unknown to anyone, picked the middle name John, condemning me to a life of being ‘John Thomas’. (I escaped teasing by not actually telling anyone what my middle name was while I was at school.)

My mother has since remarried, and her surname is now Counsell (pronounced ‘council’). When she got pregnant, our family was all to happy to suggest a variety of ridiculous names: ‘Preston Borough Counsell’; ‘Greater London Counsell’; ‘Counsell, Of the wise and enlightened elder ones’. And so forth. My personal favourite was a suggestion from a helpful aunt: ‘Pontius Lucifer Judas Counsell.’ I think she’d been drinking.

They called him Jack. Bit of an anti-climax, I know.

Recently, BBC TV showed an animated comedy sketch-show called Monkey Dust, in which one of the skits was of two middle-class parents fretting over their as-yet-unnamed baby.

Mother: We could call him Hercules!
Father: That’s a great idea!
Baby (internal monologue): Or why not simply Gaylord?

Eventually, they choose Othello, and the kid spends the next six episodes having the crap beaten out of him by other babies, while in the background you can hear the parents saying “We just wanted him to have a unique name, you know? So he would stand out …”

Keep up the good work!

Andi.

PS. Yes, that’s with an ‘i’. I started it when I was about 15 and highly pretentious (that’s a symbiotic relationship, I believe), and it stuck. To be honest, ‘Andy’ has always seemed a bit too earnest. “Here’s Andy, with this morning’s prayers.” Mind you, Andi sounds like a sanitary product.

You may already know of this one, but there is a player on the Cleveland Indians named Coco Crisp. Granted, his given name is Covelli, but apparently he goes by Coco.

Also, I’ve worked for both Social Services and the Board of Education, so I have seen a lot of unusual names. My favorite is Yelnats (Stanley spelled backwards). I also have seen senior citizens named Precious, Babydoll and Princess.

Barbara

In the fourth grade, I went to school with a kid named “Trey Faggot.” This was in 1984, at Fort Sam Houston Elementary School in Fort Sam Houston (duh,) Texas. Thought you would enjoy.

Sincerely,
C

I just took a speed-reading spin through your baby name pages, and was howling with laughter. Almost as upsetting as some of the horrifying names, though, was the plethora of unbelievably bad writing skills showcased there. People who can’t form a simple sentence have no business naming children. Or perhaps even having them.

But I digress. The first crazy name story I thought of was this: A friend of mine told me about a name he encountered at a Pizza Hut along the PA Turnpike. He selected his food and was directed by the man behind the counter to proceed to the cash register where “Fabiola will ring you up.”

I googled it – seems that Fabiola was an ascetic matron in the fourth century. I was amazed it was a real name, but still saddened that someone has to carry that burden now, all the days of her life. Perhaps she will feel compelled to give up her earthly possessions and dedicate her life to the poor, just like her namesake.

On another note, I remember hearing a man scolding his young son in a hair salon…”Chase Logan! Stop running this instant!” Sigh.

I just have to wonder why people think they have to give their children bizarre names for them to stand out in the world? Do they really believe that a kid named John or Susan has no future beyond mediocrity and conformity?

Thanks for the laughs,
Claudia

I grew up with the tag Penni (note the spelling) Shipman (that was fun in 7th grade), then my mom married a guy with the last name Pender and I got a lot of the Pen-pen jokes, “nice fender(s) Pender!”, and pretty much every variation of monetary penny jokes possible. There are problems with just intials… “P. S.” with the bio-dad, and “P.P.” was great after the second marriage. “Pender, P” (pee) during high school phys.ed. class. Carol being my middle name I got the “PCP” jokes whenever the occasion merited it, then married a man with the last name of Brown, whew! Problem solved! Well not quite. Now I receive mail addressed to “Mrs. P. Brown”… that just sounds unhealthy either way you say it. I never get my name spelled correctly. All in all though, I have gained a great sense of humor about myself.

-Penni