Author Archives: notwithoutmyhandbag

My best friend recently got pregant, which wouldn’t be so bad if we weren’t both seventeen. When she told her circle of friends she’d be keeping the baby she also told us what she would be naming it. We prayed it would be a boy, because that name- Aiden- wasn’t too bad.

But irony had a sense of humor, and my friend found out that it would a girl last June. Since then myself and another of her friends have been on a mission to find her a new name that she would like but that would also cut down on the future child’s therapy bill. I came across this sight a couple days ago during my ever frenzied search and realized that while the name could be a lot worse, it also probably belonged here.

We have a week to go until she’s due and we haven’t found anything that makes the grade. So come next Wednesday the world is going to great little Gaea. Its supposed to be the name of mother earth in Greek mythology, but you try explaining that to..well, ANYONE.

Especially when you consider the father, whose gayness can be seen from space, but is unfortuanely so far deep in the closet that he doesn’t even know he’s in there yet.

There you have it. The baby’s situation isn’t the best in the world- the baby of a teenage mother and an absentee father who should be auditioning for a bit part in ‘Will and Grace’-and this name doesn’t help. God knows I love her, but I keep praying her mother-the baby’s grandmother-will have the good sense to step in and save her
grandchild.

-S.

I myself have never ventured into the dark world of baby name websites, but I worked for a few years at a neighborhood health center, and I saw bizarre names there on a daily basis. I present to you a few of my favorites:

Stallion Wong – You just KNOW he wears Coke-bottle glasses and is small for his age.

Placenta – I know that stories of “placenta” being used as a name were debunked in the Snopes article, but I did actually see this on a medical record, so somebody’s done it.

Magina – Yes, it rhymed with vagina. And, to add insult to injury, it was a boy’s name.

iMichael’s – I swear I’m not making this up, and that this is how it was spelled on the child’s medical record. I really feel for this kid, and not just because the name’s from BizarroLand; if his mother felt that she had to assert his paternity that strongly, he’s got bigger problems. This also makes me wonder if there’s any chance that the abbreviation “dh” sometimes stands for “designated husband” – given the Springerosity of these people, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least.

Herpes (at least 2 children) – Repulsed as I am by the concept of naming-by-meaning, this is one of those times when a bit of research could have come in handy. A large percentage of the health center’s clients spoke English as a second language or not at all, and as a result there were some unintentionally tragic names when the parents would hear a word and think it
sounded nice, but not know what it meant (a variant on Dakota/Lakota Syndrome). “Herpes” would have been pronounced “heir-PEZ” (to rhyme with the French label Hermes), and when said like that is actually kind of nice. Until you find out it’s an STD, and spend the rest of your life paying your child’s psychotherapy bills.

“Little Rice in Heaven” – Possibly the out-and-out weirdest one I’ve ever come across. A woman, who would now be about 40, had a name that translated into English as “Little Rice in Heaven.” This was not due to a translation accident – her parents were native speakers of the language in which she had been named – nor did it have any obvious significance either in the language generally or in the regional dialect they spoke. No one, including the woman herself, had ever heard of it before or since. It was as if I had named a baby “French Fries from Hell” or “Cole Slaw Ahoy!” (or, should I
say, “Kole Slaw Ahoy!”).

Thanks for the site, and the best laugh I’ve had in ages.

– Elena

Okay, here’s a truly awful story about my poor goddaughter and godson. My best friend decided when she was sixteen that her first daughter was going to be named Tear, as in “shed a tear for me.” All I can attribute it to is the drugs.

Anyway, when she was twenty, she found out she was pregnant, and having a girl. By then I had come on the scene. She’d decided to name the poor defenceless child Hannah (pronounced HAWN-nah with a horribly gurgled h-sound) Dani-Ella (to make sure everyone pronounced it Dahni-ella)…and here’s the truly sad part… Taeyhr, some screwed up spelling of tear to make it “unique”. Like “Tear” isn’t “unique” (read stupid and demeaning) enough. I nearly killed her.

I finally got her down to Naomi Danielle Taeyhr (alas, the stupid name was there to stay). Unfortunately, not long after this we watched Van Wilder and discovered that Naomi is I moan spelled backwards. She decided to never take my advice on a baby name again.

Thanks a lot, Van Wilder! Because of you my hometown will soon have a potential serial killer by the name of Asher Daytona Brighton {last name} wandering around just waiting for a chance to take us all out with an Uzi.

-a.

I found your site through a link on the Livejournal Childfree community. As someone who was given such a name by my parents, I had to check it out. My name is, by the way, Bryonny. Yes, I was named after a poisonous herb used in Medieval times for purges! My parents’ excuse was that they didn’t know that at the time, and they wanted a name that was different from their very common names. After spending my elementary school years being called everything from Byrony (I’m a debauched poet!) to Brownie (and also a small fairy and/or Girl Scout!), I would have cheerfully committed murder to be named “Lisa”. I wonder if these parents realize that their children will hate them.

I work in the children’s area of a public library, and am constantly bombarded by poor name choices. But the absolute worst (and the reason I’m writing), was given to this poor little girl, who was all of one year old when I saw her. This child was named Princess. Not a nickname; this was her actual, on-the-birth-certificate name. My pity for this girl knows no bounds. She’ll either grow up to be a spoiled brat or a porn star. If not both.

Keep spreading the word about horrible baby names. It won’t change the parents’ minds, but at least it will give their victims a place to vent.

-Bryonny

My Aunt has nine children, ages 11 to 27. Her girls are named Jael, Oriannah, Shanna and Keziah (identical twins), Elsa, and Jessin.

Her sons are named Jason, Joshua and Justin…somehow they missed the boat!

I think their names are beautiful. Personally, I’m having my fifth baby and am thinking Liberty or Paisley if its a girl and Elijah Blue if its a boy…

-Rebecca
Proud mommy to:
Seth (who was almost named Sequoia if my husband hadnt furiously objected)
Jacob-Ian
Riley
Isabella Glyndora

When I first saw the name Orchid on your site, I thought it was a little incongruous for a girl, given the origin of the word:

From New Latin: Orchideae, family name, from Latin orchis, a kind of orchid, from Greek orkhis: testicle, or orchid (from the shape of its tubers). (dictionary.com)

testicle?

That might give your readers a laugh if you want to mention it.

Roger

I used to work in claims processing for a HMO, and one of the doctors contracted with us was named Harold Ballitch. (A call to his office confirmed the pronunciation as BAL-lich, but still…I bet he was called Harry as a kid…)

-Mark

This girl I used to work with named her daughter Aziah Rayne. Asia Rain is bad enough, but Aziah Rayne? Then she decided she didn’t really like the name, was considering changing the name, and took to simply calling the kid “the baby.” Poor kid!

A couple years ago I was living in South Carolina and I met a girl named Rana. She pronounced it ray-nah, like the Spanish word for queen (reina), but as any Spanish speaker knows, rana is Spanish for…frog.

-Elizabeth

I just discovered this appalling collection of naming horrors:

Plenty of the names are bad, but ‘Kynedy’ (a Mini Supreme Girl) really takes the biscuit. My surname’s Kennedy, and I can’t see it as a particularly attractive first name for any child, girl or boy, anyway – but when it’s mangled this horribly, it makes me want to hide.

As for Camden – Camden’s a district of London full of goth shops and places to buy Andean musical instruments and dodgy smoking paraphenalia. Is this the image these people *really* want to attach to their child?

The site seems to be some sort of photo or beauty contest, but, just to be honest, a lot of the pictures are rather poor; whoever posted the pictures got a lot of the sizing wrong, so kids look all warped or fisheyed; and I’m deeply disturbed by the titles “Precious” and “Supreme” as opposed to “First” and “Second” or “Winner” and “Runner-up.”

Is this a cult or something? Anyone know? That might explain Jazmin, Taylah, Shayleigh, and the galaxy of Reagans.

Brynjar gets a pass, since his name appears to be Icelandic and the kid needs all the help he can get – his mom is a compulsive snapshot contest junkie: http://www.littleladiesandgentlemen.homestead.com