Author Archives: notwithoutmyhandbag

My dad is a retired police officer, formerly with the Wilmington, DE PD.

He still tells the story about Ms. West and her four sons – all four had problems with the law. She named them North, East, South and West. Dad recalls chasing North West south on West Street – LOL!

Regards,
Alison

I recently returned from Lesotho, where it seems like half the population is named “Happiness” or “Joy” or something like that in Sesotho (their language) and the other half wind up with names that mean “Dog” or “Stinky” in Sesotho. Turns out there’s a tradition behind this…being one of the poorest nations in the world they have very high infant mortality. The theory is that if your first kid dies, much to your sorrow, you want to name the next kid something that indicates you don’t give a damn about it so the evil spirits won’t be inclined to take it too, kinda like hiding your family jewels in the outhouse. (The evil spirits aren’t especially clever, but they are notoriously ruthless.) So the first kid gets a name like “Joy” or “Miracle” or “Unity” and, if he/she doesn’t make it, the next one gets “Dog.”

As a teacher, I often come across really awful names, and some of the ones chosen by illiterate ghetto moms just drive me nuts. The “I’m gonna name my kid something French and pretty whether or not I can spell it” tradition has brought me Antwahn, Nicoal, Mishell, and a seemingly endless torrent of “La” somethings, like LaRoyce, LaNita, LaTanya, LaCheryl etc.

The two worst I encountered in this category would be: Chrystal (presumably from a mom who couldn’t spell “Crystal” but had seen the word “Chrysler” a lot) and…drum roll please…”Tiawanna.” Which might also fit the category of “kids named after where they were conceived.

When I was substitute teaching, I also once had the experience of passing around a seating chart in the school cafeteria at lunch to have the kids sign so I’d know who was where. I barked at the kid who signed his name “Blake Deathrage,” which so obviously sounded like a fake name from a bad Saturday morning cartoon…but no, that was in fact his legal name, and the Deathrage family was a typical suburban SUV cul-de-sac family from a long line of Deathrages, not second-generation headbangers.

-A

My (relative) has boys named Cortez and DaMico. The names grow on you after several years.

-C

I’ve stayed up far past my bedtime reading your site, I love it! I just had to comment on this:

“You know a kid named Legend will be bland and unaccomplished, just like girls named Charity are selfish, Faiths are athetists, Chastitys are bimbos and Hopes are suicidal.”

My name is Brandy and, as it turns out, I can’t stand the taste of alcohol. I’m also super-sensitive to it, so I can’t even have super-duper-girly drinks (I could detect a teaspoon of vodka in a quart of orange juice). My only problem with my name is that for some ungodly reason, 75% of the population assumes it’s spelled Brandi, as though I were a porn star instead of a graduate student.

(I got lucky – my mom almost named me Charona. This is why teen pregnancies such as hers are bad. Luckily, she chose another, more reasonable, popular song.)

-Brandy

when I started reading I didn’t think I’d ever met anyone with a really outlandish name, but damnit, as I read, I kept having flashbacks to my childhood in Columbia, Maryland, where I knew the following kids:

Penny Hapenny
Major DeBarry
Wednesday Willoughby
twins named LaCreda and LaDedra (can’t recall the last name)
Daiquiri Jones

…and then there’s the (now former) contestant on the TV show The Apprentice: Bowie Hogg. No, really.

–MJ

i just had to put my two cents in about some of the bad names i’ve heard over the years. i used to know a girl who named her daughter anertia, like the scientific term (almost). i knew another girl who named her oldest ethan aloysius, her middle ariadne, and her youngest jasper. her name was divina.

there were too many austin’s and ashley’s to count. at my son’s school, there is an alize, like the alcohol, a poseiden, like the greek god, and an epiphany, like “i can’t believe i named my kid that”. there was also a set of twins named zena and zoe.

i seem to be the only person in this day and age to give my son a truly unique name–Daniel Charles. my son is almost 7 and has yet to meet another Daniel.

-R

What is it with Kacyn/Casen/Cacyn etc….?

Don’t people realize it’s a food product not a name….

Casein is the principal protein of cow’s milk. It is the curd that forms when milk is left to sour. It is the most commonly used milk protein in the food industry and contains 21 amino acids.

This has been driving me nuts ever since I first heard the name and I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.

-E.

Jessica’s found a couple sites to truly appall. Today’s winner:

http://www.doctornerve.org/nerve/pages/interact/dadababy.shtml

“Baby Names are generated by performing a Markov Chain analysis of the real baby names in our database, then spewing out statistically similar names based on this analysis.”

I love late-night programming. I have to, ’cause I have DirecTV and live on the West Coast, so everything’s three hours ahead. Anyway, last night I came upon a holy revelation in straaaaaaange naming in the show guide:

“World Changers Ministries. Religion. Hosted by Creflo Dollar and Taffi Dollar.”

Clearly, I was going to have to check this out for myself.

All of two minutes of watching it, I realized it was your usual televangelist show, where the Rev. Dr. Dollar (honorary doctorate, Oral Roberts U.) tells us exactly what Jesus is thinking RIGHT NOW and how I have to trust in him (Creflo), and also Him (Jesus). Isn’t that right, Taffi? (Taffi agreed.) But on top of that, Creflo was talking a lot about my credit card debt. Apparently, if I worship Jesus, I’ll be rich. Seriously. Loving Jesus = financial gain. This is the entire point of his ministry.

(I didn’t realize all Christians are exceptionally rich. Especially last time I was in Tijuana.)

But there’s a catch. As Creflo’s website says: “Tithing is our covenant connector. Giving determines the amount of our increase.”

I know, I know – I’m as shocked as you are a televangelist is asking for money. But apparently this has worked. The Dollars have built a $20 million sanctuary complex in Georgia, and their FAQ includes:

“Do I need to present my W-2 form or the title deed to my home in order to become a member (of the church)?”

So I guess that is frequently asked.

Some of the most unique names I’ve come across lately: A baby girl named “Zard” and a baby boy named “Zaivon”. Surprisingly enough, they were not related. There is also the little boy named “ZG Deuteronomy”. My own thought is that these people actually hate children.

-B.