I recently returned from Lesotho, where it seems like half the population is named “Happiness” or “Joy” or something like that in Sesotho (their language) and the other half wind up with names that mean “Dog” or “Stinky” in Sesotho. Turns out there’s a tradition behind this…being one of the poorest nations in the world they have very high infant mortality. The theory is that if your first kid dies, much to your sorrow, you want to name the next kid something that indicates you don’t give a damn about it so the evil spirits won’t be inclined to take it too, kinda like hiding your family jewels in the outhouse. (The evil spirits aren’t especially clever, but they are notoriously ruthless.) So the first kid gets a name like “Joy” or “Miracle” or “Unity” and, if he/she doesn’t make it, the next one gets “Dog.”

As a teacher, I often come across really awful names, and some of the ones chosen by illiterate ghetto moms just drive me nuts. The “I’m gonna name my kid something French and pretty whether or not I can spell it” tradition has brought me Antwahn, Nicoal, Mishell, and a seemingly endless torrent of “La” somethings, like LaRoyce, LaNita, LaTanya, LaCheryl etc.

The two worst I encountered in this category would be: Chrystal (presumably from a mom who couldn’t spell “Crystal” but had seen the word “Chrysler” a lot) and…drum roll please…”Tiawanna.” Which might also fit the category of “kids named after where they were conceived.

When I was substitute teaching, I also once had the experience of passing around a seating chart in the school cafeteria at lunch to have the kids sign so I’d know who was where. I barked at the kid who signed his name “Blake Deathrage,” which so obviously sounded like a fake name from a bad Saturday morning cartoon…but no, that was in fact his legal name, and the Deathrage family was a typical suburban SUV cul-de-sac family from a long line of Deathrages, not second-generation headbangers.

-A