It’s not just that I don’t watch reality shows – I’d call myself an ardent opponant of reality shows. Hate ’em. Think they’re bad for children and other living things. And yet….and yet….damn it, I watch “American Idol.” I can rationalize a (poor) excuse, though – it’s research. No other TV show packs in as many bad names per hour than the ‘audition’ shows on “American Idol.” There’s one hell of a sociology study in the connection between a doofy name, fame-whoring and total delusion about one’s talent.

That and I just got an e-mail asking if I was Simon Cowell’s love child. Thank heavens no, because then my total Fellow Evil Genius crush on him would be immoral. Sweet zombie Jesus do I want to be able to make his kind of money telling people the obvious brutal truth about why they suck. Then making a show that’s nothing but a long market survey and commercial to sell an album where I make all the money, plus license the idea to a billion other countries, plus be the star of the show on two continents and get a sweet hosting fee. Bill Gates could learn something about being an evil genius from him, and that’s why I have a Fellow Evil Genius crush. My boyfriend understands and approves.

ANYWAY, “American Idol” does definitely attract the freaky names like molasses with ants, so for the next few weeks, I’ll be dropping in with that night’s “American Idol” good, bad and ugly names.

Tonight they were auditioning in Seattle. “Singers” we won’t be seeing again include Davon, a woman who figured singing with energy meant bouncing spastically while hollering the lyrics to “YMCA.” One we’ll be seeing clips of over and over was Aven, a giant tuneless guy dressed in more purple than Barney the Dinosaur and a very-‘Fame’-esque headband. Like so many drama queens, he expected everyone to fawn over his meager talent and really, really, REALLY wanted validation. It didn’t go well for him, even when we proved he can (try to) hold a note for the length of time it takes me to turtle wax my car. Of course, now he’s been on TV and probably think he’s some sort of star. Awwww…poor dumb Aven. Strangely also rejected was Franchon, who has some fierce pipes, personality, a gimmick (she boxes) and is only 17. They said she was too young. Oh, like that stopped them before.

Getting another shot at the big time is Anwar – which isn’t a weird name if you’re Middle Eastern, but Anwar is a black guy from the Northeast with a silly poofy crochet hat; Marlea, a single mom who tried singing Bonnie Raitt, not noticing Bonnie Raitt is more about guitar riffs than lilting melodies. She struggled but survived to the next round.

(No, I won’t pick on Constantine, because he has a Greek last name. So his first name doesn’t lead to head scratching like Anwar’s.)

More to come…