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American Idyll ’05 Part 1
It’s not just that I don’t watch reality shows – I’d call myself an ardent opponant of reality shows. Hate ’em. Think they’re bad for children and other living things. And yet….and yet….damn it, I watch “American Idol.” I can rationalize a (poor) excuse, though – it’s research. No other TV show packs in as many bad names per hour than the ‘audition’ shows on “American Idol.” There’s one hell of a sociology study in the connection between a doofy name, fame-whoring and total delusion about one’s talent.
That and I just got an e-mail asking if I was Simon Cowell’s love child. Thank heavens no, because then my total Fellow Evil Genius crush on him would be immoral. Sweet zombie Jesus do I want to be able to make his kind of money telling people the obvious brutal truth about why they suck. Then making a show that’s nothing but a long market survey and commercial to sell an album where I make all the money, plus license the idea to a billion other countries, plus be the star of the show on two continents and get a sweet hosting fee. Bill Gates could learn something about being an evil genius from him, and that’s why I have a Fellow Evil Genius crush. My boyfriend understands and approves.
ANYWAY, “American Idol” does definitely attract the freaky names like molasses with ants, so for the next few weeks, I’ll be dropping in with that night’s “American Idol” good, bad and ugly names.
Tonight they were auditioning in Seattle. “Singers” we won’t be seeing again include Davon, a woman who figured singing with energy meant bouncing spastically while hollering the lyrics to “YMCA.” One we’ll be seeing clips of over and over was Aven, a giant tuneless guy dressed in more purple than Barney the Dinosaur and a very-‘Fame’-esque headband. Like so many drama queens, he expected everyone to fawn over his meager talent and really, really, REALLY wanted validation. It didn’t go well for him, even when we proved he can (try to) hold a note for the length of time it takes me to turtle wax my car. Of course, now he’s been on TV and probably think he’s some sort of star. Awwww…poor dumb Aven. Strangely also rejected was Franchon, who has some fierce pipes, personality, a gimmick (she boxes) and is only 17. They said she was too young. Oh, like that stopped them before.
Getting another shot at the big time is Anwar – which isn’t a weird name if you’re Middle Eastern, but Anwar is a black guy from the Northeast with a silly poofy crochet hat; Marlea, a single mom who tried singing Bonnie Raitt, not noticing Bonnie Raitt is more about guitar riffs than lilting melodies. She struggled but survived to the next round.
(No, I won’t pick on Constantine, because he has a Greek last name. So his first name doesn’t lead to head scratching like Anwar’s.)
More to come…
Sweet, Peppery Justice
Meet Warronnica Harris and Terrell Tolson.
The Florida couple got popped this week at a St. Petersburg theater after Harris, 23, allegedly refused to end a cell phone call as the opening credits for “Catwoman” rolled. When an off-duty police officer working at the theater tried to curtail her chat, Harris announced that “she could talk as much as she wanted on her phone,” according to this police report.
In short order, Tolson, 25, joined in, allegedly telling Officer John Douglas that he would kick the cop’s ass. The report quotes Harris as saying she would “hit the cracker in his head.” In a bid to subdue the duo (pictured below in mug shots snapped by the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office), Douglas blasted them with pepper spray. Harris and Tolson were eventually charged with disorderly conduct–and spared having to sit through another Halle Berry bomb.
Garage magazine photo spread
I’ve been a lazy bugger and haven’t scanned all the pics, but there are many, many Nw/oMH album cover purses in issue 5 of Garage Magazine.
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Bad Name + Stupidity = Political Problem
Cal education secretary urged to step down over remarks to child
LOS ANGELES (AP) — California Education Secretary Richard Riordan is facing calls for his ouster, and others for forgiveness, after he told a child at a library her name meant “stupid dirty girl.” The remark also posed a political quandary for the man who appointed him, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. …
The conversation, videotaped by KEYT-TV, took place Thursday at a promotional event for summer reading at Santa Barbara’s central library. The girl, 6-year-old Isis D’Luciano, asked Riordan if he knew that her name meant “Egyptian goddess.”
Riordan replied, “It means stupid dirty girl.”
After nervous laughter in the room, the girl again told Riordan the meaning of her name.
“Hey, that’s nifty,” he said.
A day later, Riordan issued a statement that said he “teased” the girl. “I immediately apologized to her and I want to do so again for the misunderstanding,” Riordan said. …
The girl’s mother, Trinity Lila of Goleta, said her daughter was fine and she considered the issue over.
“Obviously it hurt her feelings but she didn’t take it personally. She knew he was wrong and she let it go,” Lila said. “I’m not going to sue them for therapy bills.”
“He’s already apologized repeatedly,” Lila added. Although Riordan’s office has tried to contact her, “I don’t see what else is to be done.”
At a time when Schwarzenegger has been trying to push his budget through the Legislature — it’s already more than a week overdue — the Riordan controversy has been an unwelcome distraction. A group of civil rights organizations, including the NAACP, planned to protest Riordan’s remarks at the Capitol Thursday.
But the organizer, state Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally, D-Los Angeles, canceled it after an apparent mix-up over the girl’s racial background.
Dymally was quoted in the San Jose Mercury News Thursday saying the child was “a little African-American girl. Would he (Riordan) have done that to a white girl?”
The girl is Caucasian, with blond hair.
OK, who thought Mama Trinity was going to turn out to be the most ape-shit person in the story? Show of hands? Aren’t we pleasantly surprised? And who else thinks Dymally and the civil rights groups just revealed their own hidden racism?
Yeah, me too.
‘Name the Mascot’ Winners!
Wow! We got so freakin’ many great Name the Mascots contest entries, we were thinking of leaving it open indefinitely – just because the responses were so funny. But, alas, all good things must come to an end, so here are the winners of fabulous Nw/oMH t-shirts:
Our angry mascotess is named Josephine and her purse is named Daphne.
Josephine’s so protective of her purse because last time she let her handbag out of her sight, an evil (and now ex)-boyfriend took it out for a night of drinking fun. It didn’t return until the next morning on her stoop, sick as a dog and missing her favorite plum-coloured lipstick. Submitted by Teresa
It was a tough call between this story and several that had good ol’ fashioned anti-bad-name violence, but this story has a better connection to mascots themselves. I can just imagine Daphne rumpled on a porch, drunk off his keister and playing the maracas and drunkenly talking about taking a rich man for everything he’s got. Drunk of “his” keister? Yup.
This little guy’s name is Felix and he’s a bag of tricks. He comes from the magical land of Tesage No Iiki (That’s “Purse Island” in Japanese) where he romps around distributing keys, tissues, loose change, spare tampons and LOVE! (Sanrio-esque adventure stories to follow.) Submitted by Jeff (the Felix part) and Sarah (who suggested working ‘tesage’ in).
Thanks to everyone and their great ideas!
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Judge Rules Purses Rule
I’ve been serving jury duty on a criminal case all week, and while I can’t say anything about the case, the charges are complicated and definitely to be taken seriously.
Today, after closing arguments, and after the judge gave us loooong and lengthy technical instructions about the minutae of the law, the judge excused us for the day. “But, Miss Goodman, could I speak to you for a minute?” he said. Oh crap. Crap crap crap. What did I do? I’m so boned!
Was it because I was wearing a t-shirt to court? Was it because my t-shirt’s a little short? How dare I not take this man’s future seriously! Is it because I’m with the lying bastard biased media? Did I say something to someone about the case and not even notice? Was it my taking my meds in the middle of testimony? Am I getting thrown off the jury? Is he going to ask what a junkie like me thinks she’s doing rattling her pills in his courtroom? Is the bailiff going to search my bag?
It was like being told to go to the principal’s office, only the principal doesn’t have an armed sidekick ready to arrest you.
So I’m waiting outside judge’s chambers and he walks up. Even though he’s seemed like a pleasant, approachable guy, for a judge, at least, this is ridiculously imposing. I’ve got this bad feeling he’s hiding my FBI file in his robe. It’s those bumper stickers isn’t it? Damn you, Bush administration!
“Miss Goodman,” he says.
“Yes sir?” (I’m so dead!)
“Is that one of your purses you make you’ve got there?”
He points to my bag, which is one of my album cover messenger bags. I’d been using it all day to haul all my snacks and water and stuff to court. In fact, it’s the very first one I ever made, which I’ve refused to sell over the years.
(I’d explained I have a craft business during voir dire when they asked me what I do. Fortunately, I’d remembered not to say, “drug smuggler” or “police informant.”)
Next thing you know it, I am under an absolute barrage of questions from the judge about the purses; how I make them; how they hold up; oh you make smaller handbag ones, too? The clerk and the court reporter have showed up and joined in the questions about whether I take custom orders, and do I have a business card with me.
The judge ruled my purses are “very clever.”
Words of Wisdom From Carlos Irwin Estevez
scooblover sends in this news item:
Sheen and Richards Too Old-Fashioned for Baby
Expecting parents Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards have decided to buck the Hollywood trend of fancy names, by giving their child an old-fashioned moniker. The screen stars, who are expecting their first child together early next spring, have opted against anything too flashy for their new arrival, because they don’t want their offspring to resent them when he or she gets older. Sheen says, “I think we’re gonna go a little old-fashioned and try to keep it simple. Like for boys, Jack and Bob, and for a girl like Sue or Mary. I just think parents don’t think 20 years ahead when they name their kid: ‘This is my son Shalamar.’ It becomes a curse for the child. It’s terrible.”
(PS – They named their two daughters Sam and Lola.]
Those who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I love your website. I laughed so hard! We have some interesting names in our family. I just wondered what you thought of these.
My son was the first grandchild, his name is Sharod (sounds like Jared). [middle name Blaine]. …
I am now expecting … If it is a girl, she will be AuraLia and if we have a boy it will be Timothy Burke.
My cousin has a boy, Tacoma and a girl, Taigely.
Another cousin named her daughter Mesa Miranda. Her and her husband are both cops.
My husband has a cousin named Memory.
I just thought I would send them in. Keep the laughs coming. You are great!
Amy
You think that Jamin is a thing of the past
I love your site! I’ve known a few people with bad names:
Lloyd Ann (she went by L.A.) – guess even after she was born, they STILL weren’t sure if they had a boy or girl.
Kael (if there had been a twin sister, would she have been Lettus?). I thought surely you would only give a sweet baby such an awful name if Kael was a rich, childless, sickly uncle whom you hoped would leave everything to your son. Nope – according to the dad, the mom is a huge fan of college sports, and Kael was some great wrestling athlete in Iowa whom she admired.
Uh-huh. Paternity test, anyone?
Benjamin O’Bannon – doesn’t seem like a bad name? His parents called him Jamin. The only possible career path for this child is DJ.
Ariel (Ahr-ee-ELL) – named after the Little Mermaid, but pronounced the way the crab in the movie says it. It was a toss-up for the Mom between Ariel and Aurora (another Disney princess character). Claaaassy. The one who hates the name the most? The step mom – she’s afraid everyone will think she’s the one who names kids after cartoon characters!
-J.
Randazzle is dizzle with the shizzle
I work as a social worker, and I see a LOT of bad ones. I’ve had Crystal (special because mom said it was after the crystal meth she used while pregnant), LaPrecious Barbie, and Unique (guess that other Unique you listed isn’t). My all time favorite, though… Randazzle. Randazzle is a boy and goes by Randy.
-Libby