Author Archives: notwithoutmyhandbag

A dear friend of mine has the already unfortunate enough last name of Shaft. In an inexplicable act of madness on his mother’s part, she named his brother Downey.

-John

I went to high school with a girl named Tishara. She had a brother named, tragically, Destry. Come to think of it, I don’t think it was even as dignified as Destry. But rather, Destri. … I don’t think their parents were hippies or pretentious yuppies, I think they were just clueless and weird. But any polite inquiry about names was met with the logic that a unique name is some sort of acheivement.

I’d also like to add that I live in Utah, where we’re afflicted with former “Survivor” cast member, Neleh, as a charisma-free news “personality”. We are all dutifully informed that she was named after her beloved grandmother, Helen. Named after her, but spelled in reverse.

Is there some sort of logic to this reverse-spelling tribute? But that’s not even the annoying part! You see, the fact that it’s spelled ‘Neleh’ doesn’t prevent her from insisting that it be pronounced Nell-EE-uh. Now, you can give any tortured, mis-accented pronunciation to a name that you want, but for the love of God, it’s got to be PLAUSIBLE. It has to at least contain the right goddamn letters. You can’t just spell Jim ‘R-o-y’ because you feel like it. You can’t defy the alphabet. How stupid and pretentious are you when you have to run around insisting that you daughter’s name has more syllables and a different pronunciation than is possible? About as stupid as someone who thinks reversing a grandparent’s name is still naming someone after her, I guess. Hey! how ’bout making everyone’s life easy and just naming her Helen? Not as precious, I guess.

This was also true of the tennis player from a few years ago named Malvai Washington. No, you provincial fool, not MAL-vai (rhymes with ‘eye’). It’s Mal-uh-VEE-uh. Don’t worry about the fact that there aren’t enough letters to support that many syllables. Or even that the letters aren’t even in that order. Mal-uh-VEE-uh it is!

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Jason

Don’t get me wrong. I love my sister. But she’s named her two daughters Afton Rose and Brynn Iris. Afton and Brynn are the names of rivers in Scotland, apparently. I’m just waiting for Firth of Forth Chrysanthemum and Inverness Orchid.

-Sarah
(Possesor of an Entirely Common Name)

A dear friend of mine … had a girlfriend in highschool named Candy Ramsbottom! Sounds painful to me!

-Kelly

here’s the worst name that luckily never was–

it was suggested that i be named anita. not that there’s anything wrong with that name– but combined with my parents names it would have proven traumatic.

my mother’s last name is kane, and my father’s is beaton

anita kane-beaton.

luckily on the way to the hospital they heard ‘alison’ by elvis costello. problem solved.

-a

You totally need to add something about the basketball player at Virginia named….

Majestic Mapp

No joke – his brother is named Scientific Mapp and his sister is Ramecla

-Michelle

I recall seeing a picture of a little girl named “Starzanne Stipes” on her birthday in the Coshocton Tribune. (Coshocton, OH) How idiotic…I mean…patriotic!

-J.
Confirmed! I don’t know about anybody else, but now I absolutely cannot stop thinking about the Playboy Bunnies in “Apocalypse Now.” Our brave servicemen and women deserve Starzanne (whenever she turns legal) in a USO show!

I have a cousin who had her first child at age 16 and the next two before age 21. Apparently she was a big classical music fan, though you would never have guessed it. She named her three children, Cody Amedeus, Gabriel Wolfgang and Amy Mozart.

And, as a graduate student, had a boy named Mikel in one of my classes. When I orginally called names the first day of class, I tried a pronounciation that rhymed with nickel, but alas, no, it was pronounced Michael, but he generously allowed me to call him Mike. Not as bad as some others on your site, but I thought it was bad.

Eva Marie

This cracks me up, because my husband’s name is Mikel. He’s got a reason – his dad’s from Spain (not a bunch of generations ago, I mean actually from Spain), and there this is a real, serious, we’re-not-kidding Basque name. And yup, everyone says “Mickle” the first time. Now if someone’s named Mikel just because their parents like karazee spelyngs, well…I think this site’s policy on illiteracy is clear.

So to answer a question I get sent often – yes, there is a bad name allowance for ethnic names. As long as it really is your ethnicity every day of the year. Not just St. Paddy’s.

Your site reminded me of visiting a baby-name site a couple years ago, which listed celeb kid names, and that I was appauled by one of Stallone’s kids’ name. I couldn’t remember what it was but I found the page again: Sage Moonblood (boy).

I don’t know how accurate all this is though, because it missed a couple of other of his other kids I saw listed elsewhere: Scarlette rose and….. (better be sitting down): Seargeoh. (Oh come on, a little more imagination
and it could have been surgiaux!)

-florence

Funny, funny site!  Here’s a few choice names I’ve encountered over the years:

I attended kindergarten with a boy named Ladarius, knew a girl named Redoika, and another named Duranda.

Had a classmate in high school called Gralonte

Have a cousin who named her baby Zimmy Elmira

Successfully dissuaded my sister-in-law from naming my niece Shayla (I played the stripper card…)

..and of course knew two boys (brothers) named Dru (not Drew) and Bruce … Dru Lee and Bruce Lee.

–DAVE