Bad Movie Sunday: ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1′

Every Sunday, my buddy Toby and I get together and watch a terrible movie. It’s about time for me to share the suffering, so I’m going to start posting brief reviews of the crap we’ve watched. I know I should have done this years ago, but it wasn’t until last night’s movie – “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1″ – that I found myself bubbling with so much anger and so much confusion I felt like if I didn’t get it out of me I’d die a gruesome death (Hey! Just like in the movie! I can relate to Bella after all!)

It is a massive understatement to say I am not a Twilight fan. The story is perfectly crafted to feed into the worst instincts of adolescent girls, and I worry about what they’re taking away from it. I probably won’t review the first three movies, which we watched on Bad Movie Sundays past, because I have so little to say about 1 and 3, and so much burning feminist rage at 2. Plus, I think I cover a lot of what  I’d say below. This movie baffles me. I can’t remember the last time so little happening raised so many questions.

100 or so Questions about Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

  • Why doesn’t anyone have a problem with teens getting married?
  • Why doesn’t Bella’s mom think anything’s weird about the Cullens going through high school 50 times?
  • I still don’t get why they’d go to school at all. Why bother? It just attracts unwanted attention to them and puts them in contact with non-vampires who they promptly get into trouble.
  • Doesn’t Mom have a problem with her daughter marrying a guy Mom’s never met? My mom would go ballistic, call the cops, say I’d been brainwashed, and get arrested for abusing 911 if I married someone she never met and I’m 35.
  • Wait, did they send her dad an invitation, even though he lives in the same house as her?
  • Did she even graduate high school?
  • Does college not exist in their universe? No one has said a single thing about it EVER. Marrying Edward and going to college aren’t mutually exclusive. I guess “wife” is her job now. Forever.
  • What denomination was the minister who married them? Do the vampires go to church regularly? Do they know that minister? Does the minister know they’re blood-sucking demons outside God’s natural order?
  • Isn’t her dad worried about this considering he has been privy to hinky stuff Edward is apparently involved in? Like stalking his daughter?
  • Why does no one notice his family are vampires? Or at least “different”?
  • Doesn’t anyone find adopted siblings dating really creepy? Do the Cullens turn mortals they’ve fallen in love with into vampires, or are these vampire-arranged-marriages?
  • Why don’t the vampires sparkle anymore?
  • Why do vampires hold a wedding in the daytime?
  • Once Bella’s a vampire, is she going to have to go back to high school too? Because fuck that.
  • What’s a vampire bachelor party like?

  • Why does no one ask Jacob why he thinks Edward’s going to kill her after he screams it at their wedding reception? Doesn’t that comment deserve a follow-up?
  • Why invite Jacob at all? That’s pretty mean.
  • Can we really believe Edward has only ever killed people he “knew” were murderers? I thought new vampires were hard to control and he was raised as an animal-only vampire.
  • Why is he only mentioning the whole “I’ve killed people” to her the night before their wedding? Awkward. This sounds like some last-minute info that’s leading to something a lot worse. But no, just some random angst for him to drop on her, because they were too happy, I guess.
  • Aren’t the vampires living under assumed names with fake documents? Because it’d be pretty odd having a driver’s license from 1932.
  • What if some of the human wedding guests are menstruating? Wouldn’t periods set vampires off?
  • Can vampires have human food and drink? If not, don’t the other reception guests notice half the people aren’t eating any of that massive cake for, easily, 300 people? Or drinking champagne? (Maybe they’ve figured out the vampires are Mormon.)
  • How many speeches are customary at weddings? I really don’t think it’s that many.
  • Why do bad movies so often insist on showing better movies in their movie? I should have watched “Bride of Frankenstein” instead of this.
  • If the Cullens have their own island, why don’t they live there?
  • Why would vampires have their own island somewhere that’s sunny?
  • Does anyone question where the Cullens got all their money?
  • Where DID they get the money?
  • Why is Bella’s natural sexual desire treated like a joke? Desire is what the previous books were built on, but now it’s wrong and stupid and played for laughs. Isn’t Edward’s rejection just more controlling, abusive behavior?
  • What did he think the honeymoon was for? If they weren’t going to have sex, why get married at all?
  • Why bother with human sex if it’s so dangerous any way? Oh, right. Because it’s a metaphor for pubescent girls’ innate attraction but also fear of sex. I wish I counted how many times he says he’ll “lose control” and “hurt her” in these movies. Because he’s talking about his dick.
  • Why doesn’t she ever say what she’s thinking or feeling directly? Why passive-aggressively dress in lingerie instead of saying, “Get over here and do me”?
  • Why don’t they find some other way to have sex that doesn’t hurt her? Like tie him up?
  • If they’re not going to fuck, why not change her into a vampire then? It’s not like they’re doing anything else.
  • If he has so much trouble controlling his voluntary muscles during sex and absolutely destroys the bed, what about his involuntary muscles (like in ejaculation)? I think we’re looking at a “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” situation here, and that’s an icky way to die.
  • At least in the movie, her sex bruising is not exactly extreme. Why does he freak out about it? I’ve seen worse bruises after a high school soccer game.
  • Why is it still dark when they get to Brazil? Is it the next day, or did they travel super-duper fast?
  • Do the Cullens do anything except stand around her while she’s sick? Like call other vampires and ask them if they know anything about mutant hybrid babies? Instead of using not-Google, maybe?
  • What do these people do for fun? The little we see of their downtime is really boring. And they’re doing it forever.
  • Why do vampires light their fireplace? It’s just a waste for them, isn’t it?
  • How do they know when her baby’s due? It’s not on any sort of regular gestational timeline.
  • Why is the first half of the movie so damn slow, with nothing happening, and the second half so rushed (pregnant in 2 weeks, baby in another month)?
  • Why does this pregnancy storyline even exist? Technically, it’s the only plot development in the whole movie, but it’s terrible. Wasn’t there somewhere better this story could go besides an anti-abortion lecture?
  • Why is Bella suddenly so into being a mom? She knew once she was a vampire she couldn’t have kids, so surely she was at peace with that.
  • Is there going to be anything in this movie that isn’t people standing around saying dramatic things, but without us seeing the drama?
  • Why doesn’t anyone try to reason with Bella about abortion instead of yelling at her?
  • Why doesn’t Bella explain why she doesn’t want to abort more clearly? Or at all? It’s not like she’s got a lot of other things to do.
  • How does a baby small enough to not show kick hard enough to be felt? Its “legs” would be puny buds.
  • So little happens in this movie, I can’t imagine there’s so much in the next one that it needed to be split (and reading a synopsis online seems to confirm that.) Why did they bother?
  • How do vampires have semen? And motile sperm, apparently? Is it left over from whenever he was alive?
  • How does a vampire even get an erection? They don’t have bloodflow in general like humans do, do they?
  • So assuming Bella was ovulating when they had sex, her period would be two weeks later. Two weeks later, she says she’s missed it. By what, a day?
  • Why would the Cullens live in a house that’s nothing but windows? And not draw curtains when they think they’re about to be attacked by giant wolves?
  • Bella’s dad doesn’t think it’s strange she claims she’s sick in Brazil for over a month. Doesn’t he worry she’s being held hostage? Does he call the embassy or the cops? If she’s too sick to travel IN A PRIVATE JET, doesn’t he think she should be in a hospital?
  • Does Dad ever go over to the Cullens’ while she’s “sick in Brazil” and demand help/answers? If not, why is he such a shitty parent/cop?
  • Why don’t they do a c-section when the baby’s pretty big but it’s obvious she’s about to die? But before she, you know, does? She never does go into labor – the kid just breaks her spine and kills her.
  • Why couldn’t they turn her into a vampire while she was pregnant? Then the baby could be Blade, and the movie would be more fun.
  • Why didn’t they just stay in Brazil and have the vampire family come down there? It’s safer and more private.
  • Why hasn’t Jacob given up on Bella’s bullshit by now? She’s done everything she can to drive him away, won’t listen to him, and is endangering everybody. If my best friends did what she does, I’d take a break from them at the very least.
  • How does one get a syringe full of vampire venom? Does he milk his fangs like a snake? Is it his spit? Is it…..some other bodily fluid?
  • Why are girls so into books/movies that have such a weak female character who never makes decisions or control her own destiny? Teenage girls are so headstrong and hate being told what to do, and yet that’s all that happens in this story – a teenage girl gets told what to do by an older man.
  • Why bother chewing the baby out when you’ve got a scalpel and medical equipment right there? And you’ve already cut part of the way there?
  • Why does no one try to stop her bleeding in any way? She has a c-section plus placental abruption. Demon baby or no, that shit will kill you. That half-assed CPR ain’t gonna help.
  • Why did Dr. Cullen go on an errand instead of sending others? Surely the others have powers enough to break into a blood bank.
  • Are other townspeople dying from the lack of O-negative blood in the area, because Bella’s drinking it all?
  • Why don’t vampires just drink blood donations all the time? Pay double what the blood bank does and you could have an endless supply.
  • The one decision Bella’s made against Edward’s wishes kills her. Pretty much every decision anyone makes turns out to be the wrong one. Do these people ever learn?
  • Why don’t the vampires try talking to the werewolves? Ever?
  • Why don’t the werewolves try talking to the vampires? Ever?
  • Sweet Jesus, why is everyone OK with Jacob falling in love with a baby? He’s going to be grooming this kid as his lover for her entire life.
  • What if the baby grows up and falls in love with someone else? Where does that leave Jacob?
  • Why is the baby CGI? Was it that hard to get a baby to stare into a camera?
  • Renesmee? If one kid, one single kid gets named that because of these books….
  • How are the Cullens planning on explaining Bella’s dead body to her dad? Especially now that it’s covered in bite marks and a c-section scar? God I’d love it if he arrested all of them. Kidnapping, grand larceny, conspiracy, conspiracy to commit murder, reckless endangerment, manslaughter and/or murder, practicing medicine without a license, felonious assault…there’s tons to charge the whole family with. And when they go to jail, it’s forever.
  • How come when she morphs into a vampire, she turns into regular ol’ normal weight Bella, instead of dessicated, sick Bella (but a vampire)? Because that would be pretty funny.
  • Why’d it take her so long to change into a vampire? She was dead for at least a few hours before the venom kicked in, with no way to circulate said venom.
  • How’s she going to explain where the baby came from?
  • Why did I watch this?
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5 Responses to Bad Movie Sunday: ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1′

  1. Emery says:

    Haha, wow did I enjoy reading through all those questions; which by the way are very valid. I can agree in not being a Twilight fan, but I do enjoy watching the movies to make fun and see what all the craziness is about. Honestly though…I kind of enjoyed this one, at least in comparison to the other 3. I would never go to the theater to check out any Twilight movies, so I gladly waited till it was available in my Blockbuster @Home package through my Dish subscription. A couple of my co-workers at Dish tried to talk me into going with them to the midnight premiere, but I happily declined because those die-hard fans freak me out, lol! Thanks for the read though, I very much enjoyed it! :)

  2. Nellie says:

    Though the movie is complete rubbish, every single one of your questions is anwsered in the books. Except for the last one, and as for that I have no idea why anyone would watch it, it was truely terrible and made me feel ashamed for liking Twilight (the books that is)

  3. Tess says:

    I am ashamed that I can answer most, if not all, of those questions.

  4. Very funny post. All of your questions are valid, even if they underline how truly silly most of these movies are. Ashamed to say I could answer most of these too. Except why do Rose and the rest of the Cullen “kids” go to high school for God’s sake! Talk about being damned to hell for eternity….Sophomore biology times infinity. I came upon your post because I was watching the third movie and all of the vampires seemed to be drinking champagne, so I googled that question. Another thing I wonder, what’s wrong with Edward killing rapists and molesters? Why don’t they all do that? Then they would be hero’s! Anyway, these dumb movies are my guilty pleasure and I have to watch them secretly because my husband and sons all make fun of me. To the poster, watch “Vampires Suck” for some fun. For your next bad movie, try “The Wicker Man” with Nicholas Cage…worst movie ever. Thanks for the post!

  5. Rivkah Maccaby says:

    Edward has to repeat school every so often, I’d guess, so that he knows about things that have been discovered since the first time he went through school, like why you should treat cuts with mecurochrome, what DNA is, how to read a map of the new US highway system, why you should NEVER use mecurochrome, all about HIV (uh-oh), how to format a floppy disk, why we no longer need floppy disks, and how to recycle, and pevent global warming, no doubt a pretty serious topic for someone who is immortal.

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