Iron-stomached reader Virigina directed me to what may be the Necronomicon of Bad Baby Names, the pitch-black pit from which all bad names emerge: http://baby-names-etc.com/unique_baby_names.htm. The page is part of Baby-Names-Etc.com, which appears to be one of the hundred and hundreds poorly-put-together and apparently abandoned baby name sites on the web. There’s no way to tell if it’s an offshoot of a commercial site, someone’s hobby, or what. Whatever it is, it’s pretty cheap…..and EVIL!

I have written to the owners of the site demanding an explanation for the following article, as well as writing to the standing U.N. war crimes tribunal in the Hague, but have not received a reply from either.

UPDATE! Reader Lisa recognized this passage as familiar and says the baby-names-etc.com people plagarized it in full from “New Age Baby Name Book” by Sue Browder. I suppose this explains the typos, but it doesn’t explain the Conspiracy of Evil clearly afoot: Someone wrote something awful, someone edited it, someone published it, someone distributed it, someone bought it, and someone liked it so much they took the time to plagarize it. Maybe Browder’s lawyers can hash it out.

Here is the page, quoted in its entirety, complete with snotty comments, because I can’t resist.

Unique baby names are fun and unique baby names can be created in several ways. The ways to make a unique baby name is only limited by your imagination.
Wow. Comprehensive discussion as to why to create a name from scratch. “It’s fun.” Thanks.

Anagrams: To create an anagram of an existing name, take the tile letters from the game Scabble (sic) and combine them in different ways.
“I like Ohnj for a boy and Aejn for a girl.”

Telescoping: Drop letters from a word until you find a baby name that is suitable. Kahlil Gibran can be changed to Kabran. Schuyler can become Sky.
Woah…Kahlil Gibran isn’t unique enough? I really like cars, so I used this technique and have decided to name my first son Autobile. I also like the films of Frederico Fellini, so I may name my first daughter Fedco Felin.

From the father’s name: A boy can be named “Junior,” but you can be more creative. Donald can become Doni or for a girl, Donie. John can become Jonette, Jonille, Jonalee.
…or Itmightbeyourkidlyn. You’remypropertyIownyouette.

From the mother’s name: A popular way to name a boy after his mother is to use her maiden name if it was Ward, Grey Parker, Davis, Ross, Cole, Taylor, Williams – or an equivalent. Or the mothers name can be transformed to a boy’s name. Mary can become Martin, Marle, Marwin, Marson, Marren, etc. For a girl, it can be Mari, Marina, etc.
I can’t put my finger on why, but the first sentence, about “equivalent”(?) last names strikes me as racist. Oh yeah, it’s because those are white white snowy white names. So I’m naming my son Kleinman Yamaguchi Chan-Jackson Hernandez Mangosuthu Rajagopal. Smith.

Combinations: Take the mother’s and father’s names and combine to create a new baby name. Mary and John could be Marjon, Daniel and Susan would be Dansan, David and Sally could be Dally not Salad! Alan and Mary make a very nice girls name Alray.
Marjon – a low calorie spread. I can’t believe it’s not Marjon!
Dansan – maybe if you’re huge “Cheers” fans.
Dally – as a middle name. First name Dilly.
Alray – makers of fine face creams.

I had fun with this. I put my own parents’ names (Mark & Susan – they’re so very proud) in the Name Super Collider! and came up with:

Marsan,
Masu,
Markan,
Musan,
Mausa,
Sark,
Sumar,
Sarsan,
Suma,
Surk,
Susar,
Sum,
Susam,
Susamar.

None of which I’d name my dog. OK, I’d name a cat Mausa. Or Carl. There’s just something funny about animals with mundane human names.

Re-Spellings: Take a name like Marianne and make it MariAnne to create a new baby name. Arlene becomes ArLene. Catlin becomes CaitLin. Make Janet J’Net or J’Nette.
Oh, for cripe’s sake! Is there a single person out there, a single, solitary person who thinks Marianne and MariAnne are different names? Could I get a show of hands? Anyone else thinking of SanDeE* in “L.A. Story”?

Second question: Does anyone think J’Net or J’Nette are pronounced “Janet” (“JA-net”) and not “Jeanette” (“gin-ET”)? Seeing as how an apostrophe is a lingual blank, and not, as many people think, accents. If I ever parlay this site into a wacky candid camera show, I’m going to sick Monsieur Martin, my incredibly aggressive former French teacher, on people to teach them a thing or two about accent marks. After three hours of him yelling, “C’est circumflex! N’est pas accent grande! Jamais!” the parents will be filing the name change paper work themselves. And crying.

When it comes to unique baby names, anything goes! Names are everywhere, from designer tags to colors, like Azure, Rudby, Burgundy and Gray. Months like April and June are easy names for girls. States provide names like Dakota and Carolina. But be careful when you select a name.
Careful like you were when you typed in “Ruby”?

Complicated names that are impossible to pronounce will only bring grief from teachers and teasing from classmates. Names that are difficult to spell will be misspelled throughout the child’s entire life and while it makes them unique, the aggravation can be a nightmare.
This from a site that just suggested Jonille?

And here’s a dire warning on giving a boy a girl’s name and vice versa: It’s a setup for disaster in the school yard. Howard O’Brien is now Anne Rice, author of the famous vampire books. She was given a boy’s name because her folks wanted a boy!

So be kind to your baby. Choose unique baby names with care.
So if I give my kid an f’ed up name, they’ll become a fabulously popular, though not overwhelmingly talented writer of gothy best-seller-list demi-porn?

Susamar Rudby-Aejn Rajagopal it is!