American Idyll ’05 Part 5

Oh goody – Cleveland. Uhh…..yeah. Ohioans have issues, man.

They’re temporarily getting rid of one issue, Jaclyn, who I swear acts and sounds like a 9-year-old. “Paula, I like u cuz ur pretty.” Creepy. But she can hit four notes in a row, so she’s moving to the next round.

Not joining her, thank God, are Ebony, who sang like Tiny Tim with tinnitus and Sampson, who sang in I think Urdu. Also sisters Lashunda and Leandra who the second I saw them I could hear teenage girls all across America go, “Ha ha ha ha ha! FAT!” and laugh so hard they fall out of their size 0 jeans. Yeah, they were big girls. I worry they were targeted by the producers for laughs. Lashunda’s boobs were each easily bigger than her head. But they both seemed so nice and well-meaning that even though Leandra started making up her own random, off-key tune to “Summertime,” she got a big ol’ hug from LL Cool J. So shove it, bony Princess Bitchy. LL defended big girls several times, and that makes him awesome. I’m sorry about what I said about “Deep Blue Sea,” LL.

Apparently both Cleveland and Orlando sucked so bad they each only got half a show. Technically, Orlando got even less. ‘Cause we have enough shit pop acts out of there, thank you. Staying in Orlando is Eschine, who might have finally put the last nail in “The Greatest Love of All”‘s coffin. And for that, she is a true patriot. Leaving Orlando to harm the children of the Los Angeles basin are Vonzell – that’s a girl’s name – who acted out the lyrics to “Chain of Fools” while singing (well) and Dezmond, who I wanted to smack. Anyone who declares themselves an “artist” SUCKS, especially when your art is dancing for change. (Seriously!) Have some freakin’ humility, you drama ho! Even Randy could smell the fake on him, but Paula Abdul literally cried until he got in. Paula thought he was better than James Brown. Paula needs re-educating in Siberia.

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