Everything always seems to show up at the same time, you know? Last week I was totally laid up recovering from exploratory surgery – looking for the cause of my on-going medical crappery. They did find a really gross growth the size of my fist, but it turns out it’s unrelated to me actually being sick! Ha ha! Bastards. 

Anyway, I’m shlumping verrrrrrry slowly around the house feeling like a pick-up full of sumo wrestlers slowly backed over my abdomen. The big achievement of my day is when I walk downstairs and get the mail, then take ten minutes to walk back up one flight of stairs. Most of me is immobile and stiff and worn-out, but since the surgery was non-emergency, they didn’t need to keep me in the hospital. 

Then I get a call from a producer at Oprah. AHHH! What the….? Yup, my friend Rhi was on Oprah’s website and saw they were seeking recommendations for guests on an episode entitled “Trash to Treasures.” Craft things you can make out of crap around the house or at the Goodwill. Rhi sent them my name, they looked at my site, and would I be available to come to Chicago? In three days? I can’t even pull up my socks without it turning into a pain-filled production number, and now Oprah wants me to be funny and interesting and telegenic 2,000 miles away in front of 30 million people?

Obviously, I said yes. 

Unfortunately, they ended up canceling the segment just as they were getting my travel info finalized. But they sent me a big comfy t-shirt as a thank you, and frankly, heavily medicated, craggy, and post-op, that’s what I’ve really been wanting above fame and fortune: Clean sleepwear.