I have a cousin named Carrianne [deleted]. She married a man named [deleted] Baird. They named their two daughters [First name] Koala Baird and [First name] Panda Baird.

This one made me go a little berzerk. Not because the first names are bad names. They’re very nice (though increasingly trendy) names. Or even that Koala and Panda are much too cuddly to be used as middle names. Or even that they’re paired with Baird, to up the cuddly factor 100 fold and make the kids sound like characters in a children’s book (with accompanying line of plush toys.) Or the prospect that the girls are going to grow up into dark, petulent teenagers/young adults who smoke cloves, listen to German industrial and read the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Oh no.

It’s that koalas aren’t bears. They’re freaking marsupials. That’s how high my bad baby name tolerance has gotten.

Update! In the last few days I have been deluged with e-mails about how pandas aren’t bears either – they’re closer to raccoons. Obviously, this required me to put on my safari hat and do lots of unnecessary research into panda physiology and behavior. Because…um…yeah.

After reading a lot of looooong articles, one entirely about panda penises – the things I do for my readers! – it appears (drum roll) they are bears. Sort of. If they are, they’re not very good at it.

Scientists are still debating what the heck is with the panda, seeing as they look like bears, are built like bears, and are genetically close to bears but do almost no bear things at all.

The eat their veggies, they’re really slow, don’t hibernate, don’t like caves, and have a mini-thumb and a nose like a kitten. Plus, red pandas aren’t bears OR pandas and look exactly like raccoons after a day at the beauty parlor.

What does this mean for the world of bad baby names? I’m not sure. I’m still confused from all the bear dick articles. But you just learned something, and damn it, I’m here to educate as well as entertain.