#7. The "still-too-angry-to-change-it" election special.

Dear 57,285,649-plus of my fellow American voters,

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

How on God's green earth can you think that the status quo in this country is good enough? How much of a ignorant glue-sniffing sheep-molester are you? Seriously, I'm not a party loyalist, I believe in bipartisanship and ideas over labels, but this is just too much. Normally I don't link political views with personal worth, but after four years of Bush, if you can't put two and two together, the fault is ALL YOURS.

If you voted for Bush, you are either a) uninformed, b) easily duped, c) kill-crazy, d) just plain evil. Or certifiably insane, which means you aren't supposed to vote.

If you voted for him because he agrees with your conservative social values, you're an asshole. There's a freakin' war on, damn it! A WAR. A WAR! Abstinance education sort of pales in comparison, ya know? I'm sure gay adoption is the top thing on the mind of the kids who've had their legs blown off by mortar fire in Fallujah. You are a dumb-ass regressive Puritan and if you want to live in a theocracy, please oh please oh please move to Iran.

Dear God do I hope your kids turn out gay. Gay Air America hosts. According to Focus on the Family, weak parenting causes homosexuality. Eat that, bigot.

For those of you who voted for Bush because of the war, you're also an asshole. Bush is the dumb-ass who got us into the war for no friggin' reason, now people are dying because he listened to Cheney instead of, you know, generals and people who know shit about war. The ONLY reason to have voted for Bush is if you're a Halliburon stock-holder. The rest of you got totally screwed and don't even know it. So thank you, now you've screwed the rest of us and given us your STD for another four years as well. How did your standards get so low?

I'm really sorry, all non-Americans. Our country is full of total morons who want us to live in the damn stone age. Let's face it - Puritans are pretty easy to suck up to, and Bush is permanently puckered.

In short, Bush voters: you can suck it. And now that Bush doesn't fear for his re-election, believe me, you will. We all will. I am seriously, seriously disappointed in you. This is a goddamn tragedy. I want my country back!

(And if you think this is bad, imagine how I feel about people who didn't vote at all!)

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