There were five production numbers in the 1993 Oscars, mostly for the best original song nominees, and ranging from “Eh” to “My eyes are melting! And so is my brain!” Charming Disney songs are ruined! Icons are embarrassed! Sailors prance! Keep reading to see the insanity realized!

Lady, stop trying to distract Placido with your crotch. He’s working.

In order of best to worst:

5. “Beautiful Maria of My Soul” from “The Mambo Kings,” sung by Placido Domingo. It’s a fine, if not exactly catchy song, sung by one of the world’s finest tenors, and backed by Sheila E., the queen of Latin percussion. The movie’s about music, and dancing, so having actual dancers is appropriate. The worst thing about it is whatever WonderSuperMega bra Shiela’s wearing – that looks uncomfortable. There are some weird segues in and out of the dancing, but at least Placido gets to sing some in Spanish. It’s stunning how much better he sounds in Spanish than in English.

4. “Run to You” and “I Have Nothing” from “The Bodyguard,” sung by Natalie Cole.
This is more bad for what it isn’t than for what it is. Whitney Houston had had her daughter three weeks before the show, so couldn’t perform. That’s such a shame, because she MADE these songs. There’s a reason this is the best selling soundtrack of all time. Natalie Cole does a valiant job, though she flubs a couple notes and is missing the raw power in her voice. We could do without the modern ballet you can barely see during “Run to You,” and Natalie thankfully ditches the giant scrunchie she’s wearing.

Shining, shimmering, distended

3.”A Whole New World” from “Aladdin,” sung by Brad Kane and Lea Salonga. Now we’re getting into the bad numbers. Remember how charming this scene is in the movie? Well, this isn’t. Because in the movie, they actually are looking at the world. Here, they have to slowly wander around a stage. When he tells her not to dare close her eyes, you’re like…from what? The flaming kebabs? The contortionist? It’s also a great example of Exotic Orientalism – the east is super exotic, but also undifferentiated – there’s Arab, Moroccan, Indian stuff all smashed together into one big bloated pile. The thing I actually like about it is that they got the actual voice actors from the movie instead of Peebo Bryson and Regina Belle, who sang the radio single.

Um…feminism?

2. “Ladies Day,” sung by Liza Minnelli. This is an original song by Kander and Ebb, celebrating the whole “Year of the Woman” thing. Now this shit is stupid. I mean, the whole “Year of the Woman” thing is stupid, but this is just…Ugh. To be fair, it’s an old-style Broadway number that only Liza could pull off. That’s as close to a compliment as I’m going to get. The message is like something from the mid-’70s, not 1993 – the ‘girls can have any job they want to do’ message was groundbreaking back in “Free to Be You and Me.” She shouts out Dawn Steel and Sherry Lansing, the only female executives in Hollywood at the time. Actually, a ton of the jobs listed are things only a tiny number of women had broken in to – groundbreaking, but a bit early to celebrate like the war for equality was won. For instance, we had our first female attorney general and there was one woman on the Supreme Court. Women weren’t “fighting in desert heat,” because women weren’t in combat. We hadn’t had a female Secretary of State, which then was the norm until just this year. Speaking of which, you know what Hillary led the way to? A failed deal on healthcare.

And then some of things she lists as jobs women can do are just…was it the only thing they could think of that rhymed? Running a lab? Depolluting the air? The lip-sync is off sometimes. The fucking sailor suits. I really don’t know who thought of this, but that so much effort went into it saddens me. It’s stupid.

I’m here to ruin things.

1. “A Friend Like Me,” from “Aladdin,” sung by Nell Carter
Why Nell Carter? No idea. “Gimme a Break!” had been off the air six years by that point. She had done Broadway before and after, but I can’t find much on what she was doing circa 1993, which adds to the randomness.

First off, a parade of guys and banners and stuff come in, meant to imply the “Prince Ali” number from the movie, but totally making me think of one of the digressions in “The Star Wars Holiday Special.” This already makes no sense, because Aladdin was only a prince because he had the genie. But now he’s meeting the genie for the first time? Aladdin rubs rather sexily on the lamp, and Nell pops out. She flubs her line. Then the singing…I don’t know, I guess she’s going for a bragging, above-it-all attitude, but she comes across as low-energy and bored. Does she know this isn’t rehearsal?

Then, because this is a song from a children’s movie, she summons a pack of male strippers in tight gold pants to dance for her amusement, and yells at some skinny bitches. The only point in the song that would naturally lead to a dancer doing something: “Well, looky here!” leads to…nothing to look at. Then some kids tap-dance really out of sync, while Nell hollers and chases one for no reason. A bunch of boys chase the girls away (but it’s Ladies Day!) and have a goddamn hip-hop break. I don’t know why they used so many kids in this number – the genie is trying to impress us with what it can do, and a lot of the kids are awful.

Finally, FINALLY there are 30 seconds of what this number could have been – a bunch of Broadway style tap/swing dancing with the big brassy music going. Then there’s a fat joke and your ability to have an erection disappears to the sound of Nell Carter shrieking “Give it up!” except it sounds like “Get it up! Get it up!” and you’re now cursed to hear that every time you’re naked. Forever. Everybody falls down. My brain fell out my nose.

Hoffman: “Are you trying to seduce me?”
Bancroft: (dryly) “Not anymore.”

At the time, it was the 25th anniversary of “The Graduate.” They gave out the writing awards.

The Oscars 1993 have impacted you if you’ve seen a bridal magazine in the last 20 years. Because this was the very first time most people heard the name Vera Wang.

Eat glamour, suckas!

The name of who designed Whoopi Goldberg’s outfit has been lost to history. Not really, I just don’t want to know.

Below this is pants! Bright green pants!

First we see a cool guy driving in a cool car, heading somewhere. Cut to: a lady in a body suit tries to get into her jeans. So I guess he’s coming to pick her up for a date. I don’t remember why we wore body suits with snap crotches instead of just tucking our shirts in. Anyway, trying to get into her jeans, she jumps and jumps…

And falls over onto a mannequin. Why does she have a mannequin in her bedroom?

From outside, it looks like she’s about to sex up a guy who has no hands and whose neck doesn’t move. Her date sees this and is sad.

Also, her date is Alan Cumming, so I’m not sure who in this scenario he’s jealous of.

And that’s how you sold jeans in 1993.

You know how you sold everything else? With Cindy Crawford and a famous older black guy with no relation to the product.

I’m not even going to tell you what products these are for, because neither makes any sense.

For example, Federico Fellini was finally given an honorary Oscar in 1993, which meant a crazy montage of women being whipped, clowns with giant fake boobs, and other assorted lunacy. And who was there to present it?

Hello, lower life forms.

Fellini’s speech is rather adorable, like he’s your shy grandpa, and he even says he wasn’t expecting this sort of award for another 25 years. (He died eight months later.) He’s like a cute little accented troll doll who makes movies that are uncomfortable nightmares. Then he strikes comedy gold when he stops thanking people to ask his wife and frequent star, Giulietta Masina, to please stop crying. Cut to Giulietta, looking like your grandmother at every wedding.

Just let him give awards to whoever he wants.

There were three honorary Oscars in 1993, which helped slow the show down, but were all rather touching if you’re a classic movie fan. Besides the adorable Fellini family and their adorable antics, there was a posthumous humanitarian Oscar for Audrey Hepburn, presented by Gregory Peck, her costar in her first big movie. As we covered in the 1992 article, she died very suddenly from an aggressive cancer in January ’93, which is when the nominations came out. So either they already planned to give her the award, or rushed to include her when they realized how dumb it was they hadn’t done it yet.

Her son accepted and called Gregory Peck “Greg,” which I find too cute. Atticus Finch shares a first name with the oldest of the Brady Bunch!

Then these two broad show up.

We’re here to see a man about a horse.

Lindsay Lohan was six years old. Just sayin’.

Taylor’s speech has a level of eloquence I’m not sure I ever associated with her before. I’m don’t know if she wrote it or someone else did, but it’s a poetic call to action.

“I call upon you to prove we are a human race. To prove our love outweighs our hate. That our compassion is more compelling than our need to blame. That our sensitivity to those in need is stronger than our greed. That our ability to reason overcomes our fear.”

Good stuff. But enough of all the old geezers, who was actually competing that year?

Oh.

Joan Plowright – old, British, married to Olivier – was heavily favored to win best supporting actress, when all of a sudden, in swoops the white girl from “A Different World.” Rumors persist to this day that Jack Palance read the wrong name. True, it’s pretty rare for a comic performance to win, but when they do, it’s in supporting categories. And she’s proven since then she’s not a fluke (see “In the Bedroom.”) So let’s complain about something else.

Let’s give a guy an award for playing Foghorn Leghorn! Al Pacino was a great actor. Was. His career can pretty neatly be divided into “Brilliant” and “After Scent of a Woman.” 1993 is the line. He was also nominated that night for his supporting turn in “Glengarry Glen Ross,” where the last vestige of the Pacino who was in “The Godfather” gasps, withers, and dies. Then the bombast and the scenery chewing just became so easy. Every now and then, old Al will peak out – a scene, a few lines, and you’ll sigh and think…damn.

“‘To be…or not to be.’ Now my Hamlet has been seen by one billion people. Please, sit down.”

Did you know Jon Lovitz presented at the goddamn Oscars?. Seriously! He stole his scenes in “A League of their Own,” and apparently that qualifies him to give a sound effects editor a prize. I mention him because he has one of the funniest bits in the shortest amount of time I’ve ever seen on an awards show. Basically, he’s doing his Master Thespian schtick from SNL, which totally works in a room full of master thespians.

A commercial break or two later, Lovitz’s nemesis Andy Dick appears for about 1/10th of a second in a tortilla chip commercial. This is weird because “The Ben Stiller Show” had only been cancelled two months earlier, so either this was an old ad, or he was taking any work he could get.

Still to come: Really awful musical numbers (no, seriously, really awful), and a brief word from our sponsor.

Help! I’m saluting women on a giant phallus!

The Oscars in 1993, for the films of 1992, are easily the most political show the Oscars ever did. Some of it planned, a lot of it not.

See, 1992 was “The Year of the Woman.” The best information I can find on where that label came from is that’s the year the U.S. Senate went from two women to seven. Out of 100. Yippee. The Oscars decided to get in on that sweet, sweet condescension and decided it was also Oscar’s Year of the Woman, so they padded out the show with film montage salutes to the women editors and actors and writers. And if that wasn’t good enough, there’s a song about it by Liza – see our coverage of the show’s musical monstrosities for that one. It’s not pretty.

Oscars Women Had Never Won (in 1993): Best Foreign Film, Best Original Score, Best Sound, Best Cinematography, Best Director. Only one had ever been nominated (and won) for Visual Effects. Just sayin’.

The secret is the microfilm is in those earrings.

Opening the show, our host (again) Billy Crystal really mines the secret of The Crying Game for jokes. It comes up a lot.They flirt with spoiling it repeatedly, but manage to not quite spill the beans. Billy Crystal’s best line: “The Crying Game proved one thing – white men CAN jump.”

This was probably the last great pre-internet spoiler, and people were great at not ruining the surprise. The secret wouldn’t make it past preview screenings now, and that’s a shame, because it’s a great movie, and a great shock that spins the movie off in another direction. (I’m just assuming you all know it, with Mayor Quimby having ruined it for you.)

The unscheduled politics show up only a few awards in, when presenters Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins break from the script to plead for Haitian refugees held at Guantanamo Bay and not let into the U.S. because they were HIV+. Law students and non-profits took up their case, and their detention was ruled unconstitutional later that year. Commentators at the time were livid these dern liberals would derail the show for their pet cause.

Not long afterward, the Documentary winner goes past her allotted time lambasting the government for lying about bad things we did in Panama in the first Bush administration. I only mention this because the U.S. mission in Panama seems so very quaint now, and that’s sad.

The final great political interruption comes from Richard Gere, in the most notorious thing he actually, really did. Not what he was rumored to do, because he didn’t do that thing you’re thinking of. Gere also goes off script before presenting an award to talk about how many people are watching the show, and how all that energy could be focused into something good. Something like mentally sending Deng Xiaoping a psychic message to pull Chinese troops out of Tibet. Mentioning the cause you care about and have worked on for years is one thing, and Gere has certainly been committed to this issue before and since, but psychic messages instead of a call for political action? Especially since we had a new president to pester? God, it would have been hysterical is if Deng died right then, the victim of mass-psychic-murder, but the Chinese leader held on another four years.

It’s what gifs are made for.

Up next: The winners! Weird TV ads! Production number hell!

Oh, how Grandpa loved Farting Santa

So imagine my surprise when I saw the Carol Wright catalog in the recycle bin in my apartment – an elderly neighbor gets every catalog ever – flipped it open and saw this…

Click to enlarge…he he…large.

…and I think it’s great. Your average senior isn’t going to want to use the internet or go to Good Vibrations for their “special” toys. They’re going to mail order them from the same catalog where they got the pill holder with alarm clock on it, non-slip chair cushions, and the tote bag with the ballerina on it personalized for their granddaughter. I kinda hope not at the same time, but stamps cost money.

I also appreciate that on some of them they use euphemisms like “personal massager,” but on most, they’re totally straight-forwarded on things like g-spot stimulation, using it with a partner, etc. But dang it, Carol, there was no warning this catalog was now NSFB (Not Safe For Bingo.) Also – naked workout video! That’s genius! Why have I never heard of this before?

Check out this tid-bit down in the corner:

Flirty!

This is pretty racy by the catalog’s standard of Little House on the Prairie nightwear. I think it’s the only one in there without long sleeves. It comes in sizes up to 5X. That’s a biiiiig nightgown. My question is this: How does 5X only cost $3 more than a S? A S is for about a 34″ bust. A 5X is for at least a 60″. Double the fabric for 17% more money. I think anyone buying a S isn’t getting their money’s worth. Buy a 5X and invite your partner to get into it with you.

She never goes to New York, you liars!

Fun times with the LaserTime podcast guys talking about a classic “funny bad” bad movie, “Supergirl.” I forced them to watch it, and you can hear the high-quality nerd rage.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s a GREAT drinking with friends yelling at the screen type of bad movie. I’d say make a drinking game out of the product placement, but that might kill you and all your friends and then I’d feel bad.

Listen here: “Supergirl. Seriously.”

This movie is a damn mess, but the kind of unbelievably wacky mess that I have to encourage people to see it. You will sit confused and boggled people spent money to make it.

They stick to the bare basics of the classic story for the most part, but despite those 30 other adaptations, figure it still needed jazzing up with even more action that is all ridiculously modern and piled with bad CGI. For instance, there’s a scene where Milady DeWinter (Milla Jovovich) strips off her hoop skirts to do a “Mission: Impossible”-style wire stunt into the palace, and finds a hidden vault strung with invisible razor wire that look like freakin’ lasers that she has to jump and shimmy through. How are these wires de-activated when a non-thief needs to get to the jewels inside? I’m guessing Ye Olde Retinal Scan.

I’m not even going to bother talking about the four heroes, because the three musketeers all suffer from total lack of character. Athos and Aramis look and act identical – I often couldn’t tell them apart. (You can tell which one’s Porthos because he talks about eating and drinking more.) D’Artagnan (the kid from ‘Percy Jackson’) is beyond annoying. He’s not so much a brash young man as Shia LeBeouf with PMS. It’s been a long time since I rooted more for the bad guys, which isn’t a shock considering they’re Mads Mikkelsen and Christoph Goddamn Waltz. They’re also the two who retain their dignity.

Then there’s the airships. The film opens with the musketeers breaking into a vault in Venice housing the works of, duh, Leonardo Da Vinci, because he’s the only person who ever invented anything. Despite the room being filled with thousands of priceless manuscripts, they steal just the airship one and flood the place. Jerks. Then the evil Buckingham (Orlando Bloom) steals it from them, and we fast forward to a year later and the regular ol’ story starts.

I don’t know how to feel about Orlando Bloom’s performance, because it is bizarre. On the one hand, I feel like he gets that this movie’s a joke and dials the foppishness to 11, prancing and preening with Gary Glitter hair. On the other hand, he’s not a convincing villain in a movie already brimming with them.

So there’s the usual musketeering and such and Christoph Waltz makes some speeches about his evil plans that never make much sense, until finally the heroes have to steal some jewels back from Buckingham, because if they don’t, it’ll start a war between France and England. To accomplish this, they steal the airship Buckingham’s now built – which looks like a galleon attached to a blimp – and use its onboard flamethrower(!) and Gattling gun(!!) to attack the Tower of London. Yep, that’ll stop that war alright.

Then there’s an airship battle, with cannons and guns and that rips of “Wrath of Khan” of all things. The stupid escalates at a furious pace as we see the airships are so precise and maneuverable four people can crew them just fine, and they can come up alongside each other at 10,000 feet up and push a gang-plank between them and people can walk across it without much wind or swaying or whatever. Then they crash them into Notre Dame.

I really want to know who exactly the filmmakers thought they were making this movie for, because I can’t think of the market segment that was crying out for this except fans of the ridiculous.

A definite pick for a fun night of jeering with your friends.

It is a massive understatement to say I am not a Twilight fan. The story is perfectly crafted to feed into the worst instincts of adolescent girls, and I worry about what they’re taking away from it. I probably won’t review the first three movies, which we watched on Bad Movie Sundays past, because I have so little to say about 1 and 3, and so much burning feminist rage at 2. Plus, I think I cover a lot of what  I’d say below. This movie baffles me. I can’t remember the last time so little happening raised so many questions.

100 or so Questions about Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

• Why doesn’t anyone have a problem with teens getting married?

• Why doesn’t Bella’s mom think anything’s weird about the Cullens going through high school 50 times?

• I still don’t get why they’d go to school at all. Why bother? It just attracts unwanted attention to them and puts them in contact with non-vampires who they promptly get into trouble.

• Doesn’t Mom have a problem with her daughter marrying a guy Mom’s never met? My mom would go ballistic, call the cops, say I’d been brainwashed, and get arrested for abusing 911 if I married someone she never met and I’m 35.
  

• Wait, did they send her dad an invitation, even though he lives in the same house as her?

• Did she even graduate high school?

• Does college not exist in their universe? No one has said a single thing about it EVER. Marrying Edward and going to college aren’t mutually exclusive. I guess “wife” is her job now. Forever.

• What denomination was the minister who married them? Do the vampires go to church regularly? Do they know that minister? Does the minister know they’re blood-sucking demons outside God’s natural order?

• Isn’t her dad worried about this considering he has been privy to hinky stuff Edward is apparently involved in? Like stalking his daughter?

• Why does no one notice his family are vampires? Or at least “different”?

• Doesn’t anyone find adopted siblings dating really creepy? Do the Cullens turn mortals they’ve fallen in love with into vampires, or are these vampire-arranged-marriages?

• Why don’t the vampires sparkle anymore?

• Why do vampires hold a wedding in the daytime?

• Once Bella’s a vampire, is she going to have to go back to high school too? Because fuck that.

• What’s a vampire bachelor party like?

• Why does no one ask Jacob why he thinks Edward’s going to kill her after he screams it at their wedding reception? Doesn’t that comment deserve a follow-up?

• Why invite Jacob at all? That’s pretty mean.

• Can we really believe Edward has only ever killed people he “knew” were murderers? I thought new vampires were hard to control and he was raised as an animal-only vampire.

• Why is he only mentioning the whole “I’ve killed people” to her the night before their wedding? Awkward. This sounds like some last-minute info that’s leading to something a lot worse. But no, just some random angst for him to drop on her, because they were too happy, I guess.

• Aren’t the vampires living under assumed names with fake documents? Because it’d be pretty odd having a driver’s license from 1932.

• What if some of the human wedding guests are menstruating? Wouldn’t periods set vampires off?

• Can vampires have human food and drink? If not, don’t the other reception guests notice half the people aren’t eating any of that massive cake for, easily, 300 people? Or drinking champagne? (Maybe they’ve figured out the vampires are Mormon.)

• How many speeches are customary at weddings? I really don’t think it’s that many.

• Why do bad movies so often insist on showing better movies in their movie? I should have watched “Bride of Frankenstein” instead of this.

• If the Cullens have their own island, why don’t they live there?

• Why would vampires have their own island somewhere that’s sunny?

• Does anyone question where the Cullens got all their money?

• Where DID they get the money?

• Why is Bella’s natural sexual desire treated like a joke? Desire is what the previous books were built on, but now it’s wrong and stupid and played for laughs. Isn’t Edward’s rejection just more controlling, abusive behavior?

• What did he think the honeymoon was for? If they weren’t going to have sex, why get married at all?

• Why bother with human sex if it’s so dangerous any way? Oh, right. Because it’s a metaphor for pubescent girls’ innate attraction but also fear of sex. I wish I counted how many times he says he’ll “lose control” and “hurt her” in these movies. Because he’s talking about his dick.

• Why doesn’t she ever say what she’s thinking or feeling directly? Why passive-aggressively dress in lingerie instead of saying, “Get over here and do me”?

• Why don’t they find some other way to have sex that doesn’t hurt her? Like tie him up?

• If they’re not going to fuck, why not change her into a vampire then? It’s not like they’re doing anything else.
• If he has so much trouble controlling his voluntary muscles during sex and absolutely destroys the bed, what about his involuntary muscles (like in ejaculation)? I think we’re looking at a “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” situation here, and that’s an icky way to die.

• At least in the movie, her sex bruising is not exactly extreme. Why does he freak out about it? I’ve seen worse bruises after a high school soccer game.

• Why is it still dark when they get to Brazil? Is it the next day, or did they travel super-duper fast?

• Do the Cullens do anything except stand around her while she’s sick? Like call other vampires and ask them if they know anything about mutant hybrid babies? Instead of using not-Google, maybe?

• What do these people do for fun? The little we see of their downtime is really boring. And they’re doing it forever.

• Why do vampires light their fireplace? It’s just a waste for them, isn’t it?

• How do they know when her baby’s due? It’s not on any sort of regular gestational timeline.

• Why is the first half of the movie so damn slow, with nothing happening, and the second half so rushed (pregnant in 2 weeks, baby in another month)?

• Why does this pregnancy storyline even exist? Technically, it’s the only plot development in the whole movie, but it’s terrible. Wasn’t there somewhere better this story could go besides an anti-abortion lecture?

• Why is Bella suddenly so into being a mom? She knew once she was a vampire she couldn’t have kids, so surely she was at peace with that.

• Is there going to be anything in this movie that isn’t people standing around saying dramatic things, but without us seeing the drama?

• Why doesn’t anyone try to reason with Bella about abortion instead of yelling at her?

• Why doesn’t Bella explain why she doesn’t want to abort more clearly? Or at all? It’s not like she’s got a lot of other things to do.

• How does a baby small enough to not show kick hard enough to be felt? Its “legs” would be puny buds.

• So little happens in this movie, I can’t imagine there’s so much in the next one that it needed to be split (and reading a synopsis online seems to confirm that.) Why did they bother?

• How do vampires have semen? And motile sperm, apparently? Is it left over from whenever he was alive?

• How does a vampire even get an erection? They don’t have bloodflow in general like humans do, do they?

• So assuming Bella was ovulating when they had sex, her period would be two weeks later. Two weeks later, she says she’s missed it. By what, a day?

• Why would the Cullens live in a house that’s nothing but windows? And not draw curtains when they think they’re about to be attacked by giant wolves?

• Bella’s dad doesn’t think it’s strange she claims she’s sick in Brazil for over a month. Doesn’t he worry she’s being held hostage? Does he call the embassy or the cops? If she’s too sick to travel IN A PRIVATE JET, doesn’t he think she should be in a hospital?

• Does Dad ever go over to the Cullens’ while she’s “sick in Brazil” and demand help/answers? If not, why is he such a shitty parent/cop?

• Why don’t they do a c-section when the baby’s pretty big but it’s obvious she’s about to die? But before she, you know, does? She never does go into labor – the kid just breaks her spine and kills her.

• Why couldn’t they turn her into a vampire while she was pregnant? Then the baby could be Blade, and the movie would be more fun.

• Why didn’t they just stay in Brazil and have the vampire family come down there? It’s safer and more private.

• Why hasn’t Jacob given up on Bella’s bullshit by now? She’s done everything she can to drive him away, won’t listen to him, and is endangering everybody. If my best friends did what she does, I’d take a break from them at the very least.

• How does one get a syringe full of vampire venom? Does he milk his fangs like a snake? Is it his spit? Is it…..some other bodily fluid?

• Why are girls so into books/movies that have such a weak female character who never makes decisions or control her own destiny? Teenage girls are so headstrong and hate being told what to do, and yet that’s all that happens in this story – a teenage girl gets told what to do by an older man.

• Why bother chewing the baby out when you’ve got a scalpel and medical equipment right there? And you’ve already cut part of the way there?

• Why does no one try to stop her bleeding in any way? She has a c-section plus placental abruption. Demon baby or no, that shit will kill you. That half-assed CPR ain’t gonna help.

• Why did Dr. Cullen go on an errand instead of sending others? Surely the others have powers enough to break into a blood bank.

• Are other townspeople dying from the lack of O-negative blood in the area, because Bella’s drinking it all?

• Why don’t vampires just drink blood donations all the time? Pay double what the blood bank does and you could have an endless supply.

• The one decision Bella’s made against Edward’s wishes kills her. Pretty much every decision anyone makes turns out to be the wrong one. Do these people ever learn?

• Why don’t the vampires try talking to the werewolves? Ever?

• Why don’t the werewolves try talking to the vampires? Ever?

• Sweet Jesus, why is everyone OK with Jacob falling in love with a baby? He’s going to be grooming this kid as his lover for her entire life.

• What if the baby grows up and falls in love with someone else? Where does that leave Jacob?

• Why is the baby CGI? Was it that hard to get a baby to stare into a camera?
• Renesmee? If one kid, one single kid gets named that because of these books….

• How are the Cullens planning on explaining Bella’s dead body to her dad? Especially now that it’s covered in bite marks and a c-section scar? God I’d love it if he arrested all of them. Kidnapping, grand larceny, conspiracy, conspiracy to commit murder, reckless endangerment, manslaughter and/or murder, practicing medicine without a license, felonious assault…there’s tons to charge the whole family with. And when they go to jail, it’s forever.

• How come when she morphs into a vampire, she turns into regular ol’ normal weight Bella, instead of dessicated, sick Bella (but a vampire)? Because that would be pretty funny.

• Why’d it take her so long to change into a vampire? She was dead for at least a few hours before the venom kicked in, with no way to circulate said venom.

• How’s she going to explain where the baby came from?

• Why did I watch this?

If I tried to exhaust my feelings on the topic, it’d be Part 1 in a series of 11,892 of four-hour podcasts – more if I let other people speak – and I can imagine myself going hoarse and desperate and being buried under a mountain of telegrams begging me to stop like I’m Mr. Smith gone to Washington, but NO! I must tell the world that “Cavalcade” shouldn’t have won Best Picture 1932 because Frank Lloyd’s direction is inferior to Mervyn LeRoy’s.

Enjoy a wander through much more recent movies with: Oscar Grouchy!

“Beauty and the Beast” had three of its songs nominated. First up, “Belle,” sung by the original voice actors (which is nice) on a set made of giant books, like they’re the Borrowers or something. My favorite moment: When Gaston throws a kid out of his way so he can preen and prance some more.

This is immediately followed by “Be Our Guest,” again sung by the original voice actor (Jerry Orbach) and done with the can-can dancers and kick-line it was meant to have. With his years and years on “Law & Order,” it’s easy to forget he was a song and dance man going way back. This number is the most purely entertaining, and it’s nice to see the song go this big instead of being whispered in the background of Disney Cruise commercials.

I didn’t even bother uploading the next performance, which is Bryan Adams singing “Everything I Do (I Do It For You)” from “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.” I remember betting this one would win, because a) it was played constantly that year and b) it’s cheesy. Up until very, very recently, the cheesiest, gooiest song would win.

It wasn’t worth grabbing the video because it’s just him and a band playing the song completely straight, sounding exactly like it does on every easy FM station every two hours. There are, like, vector triangles on the set to dress it up a little, but it’s not a production number.

The fourth nominee is “When You’re Alone” from “Hook.” Yeah, I didn’t remember it either. It’s a lullaby-ish song, sung by the child actor who sang it in the movie all wide-eyed and over-enunciating (and lip syncing). Amber Scott has literally done nothing else, unless you count aggressively Photoshopping her own photo on IMDB.In keeping with the Peter Pan thing, the dancing is mostly kids flying around and being whimsical. In other words, it’s pretty stupid. I remember a lot of weird stuff in the Peter Pan stories, but am I forgetting the giant purple butterfly people who wave back and forth a bunch, or is that an…original…..addition?

But at least it’s introduced by John Candy, and we miss John Candy.

 Finally, we have the eventual winner, the title song from “Beauty and the Beast.” It’s sung by Angela Landsbury, who sang it in the movie, along with Peebo Bryson and Celine Dion, who sang it as a single. It’s a little weird to see Celine with dark curly hair with a tiny bit of meat on her, since not long afterward she went to that straight and light and slightly sunken cheeked look she’s had ever since.

Of course, we couldn’t just have these talented people sing a lovely song, so we have an “interpretation” ballet going on behind them. Is there anywhere else besides awards shows that bother with this nonsense? It’s not like the dancing they did to this song in the movie was classy or anything, without all the frou-frou.

Then it gets worse. Much worse. Here’s the show’s low-point, and the epitome of awards show nonsense. Because apparently there wasn’t enough dancing and/or spectacle during the show, or maybe just to wake people up after the sound awards, they also have a dance number during a medley of the original score nominees. These random “wake the audience up” numbers are funny in how tenuous the link is between what they’re doing and who’s doing it. If I keep doing these articles, in a few years I’ll reach the salute to film editing starring the cast of Stomp.

Here we have goofy modern dancing thanks to Debbie Allen. I guess it’s a good thing they’re not literally dancing the plot or themes of the movies, because how exactly do you dance “JFK”? (Says my husband: “You dance back and to the left.”)

As fun as it’d be for them to mime shooting each other with tommy guns for “Bugsy,” “Prince of Tides” could get pretty rapey. Although there are plenty of drag queens who can do a fierce Streisand.

But at least it’s introduced by Patrick Swayze, and we miss Patrick Swayze.